Map Clear: Get Hyper
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: The old story returns. Join Ike and company as they attempt to complete their hyper quest. Rated for safety! A new chapter is up! Read and review because I want to know how I did.
1. Chapter 1

**Zelda: Hello, again, my dear fans. I finally put this back up. But now, I have little tolerance. You curse, you're blocked and you shall receive a very angry e-mail. Now, please people, just enjoy humour and try not to trash it and make me angry. Because if I take this down, it might not come back up. The reason I brought this back is because I miss the many NICE reviews I received, I put a lot of work into this, and I got a chuckle out of writing it. And now, since the year is slowly going downhill, I thought I should try writing this again. So, please enjoy this story as I shall be posting a chapter everyday. And today I shall be posting the prologue and the 1st and 2nd chapter. Thank you for reading and please, send me non vulgar reviews. If you like it, be civil in your reviews and if you don't, don't review or just tell me politely on why you don't like it and what I can do to improve. Thank you and enjoy!**

Prologue: Mercenaries (Who kill people!!)

Ike charged at his father with a badly carved wooden sword. His father swiftly evaded it and struck Ike back. Ike couldn't hold his father's strength so he ended up tumbling backwards.

"Well, Ike, had enough?" his father asked.

Ike grunted and got back to his feet, once again charging at his father.

After a few more minutes of random fighting, a high pitched squeal was heard, ringing through the tranquility of the forest.

Ah, it was Mist, the girl who seems to ruin EVERY SERIOUS CUTSCENE by saying some stupid comment. Well, she had relevance right here. "Dad! Ike!" called the brown haired Cleric.

"Oh, Mist. Here to ruin this utterly unimportant fight?" Ike's father asked.

Just then, Ike came in for the kill. Ike's father quickly moved out of the way and smacked Ike in the back with his badly carved wooden sword. Ike went flying and slid across the ground.

"O-M-G!!!" Mist exclaimed. "I hate you Dad! You always hurt Ike!!!"

The father sighed, "Blasted teens and their hormones."

Ike was obviously out cold. How did Mist pick up and move him out of the forest? We may never know because old Ike has a flashback. He sees a beautiful woman sitting beside him, smiling, and singing some song that acts as some sort of lullaby.

"Mother…" mumbles Ike as the memory fades away.

He has a terrible wake up call: his sister attempting to sing that lullaby. Each note is terribly off key and HARDLY follows the lullaby at all. Ike sits up and quickly rushes over to shut her up. "Um…Mist…that, uh, song…you're off key…"

Mist scowled and attempted to throw daises at him. But, with her weak, untrained arm, they shot out about two inches before falling to the ground.

Ike pointed and laughed, "Ha! Idiot!"

Mist decided to change the subject, "Are you all right?"

"Um…I'm standing here laughing at your lack of throwing skills. Yeah I'm alright!" The blue haired Ranger said.

Their father, who suddenly gained the name Greil, ran up to them. "So, the sleeping prince awakens!"

Mist began to lecture her father. "Father! I can't believe you! Wood is very bad!! You don't slam someone in the back with it!"

"Okay, if a stupid little chunk of wood knocks him out, he's obviously not ready to be a mercenary, who kill people." Greil responded.

"Bah," Ike huffed. "I'm fine. Mist, don't spaz."

"Alright then!" Greil announced. "I'm now randomly going to engage you in another battle even though I just knocked you out!"

"Yay!!" Mist shouted. "Violence!!! Make it bloody!"

Ike shrugged, "Until I can just poke father with a sword, I'm not giving up!"

It appears Ike has established the whole Hero business.

"GAH!!! VOICES!!!" Ike screamed.

"Calm down, son." Greil said. "That's just the narrator. Ignore her."

Suddenly, a guy with dark green hair popped out of the trees. "Olli Olli Oxen Free!!" he screamed.

"Like, totally O-M-G!!" Mist exclaimed. "It's Boyd!! Hey Boyd, why are you here?"

Boyd shrugged. "Oh…I don't know, nothing special. I just came to see how the boss was doing. Oh, and I came to make fun of Ike too!" Boyd poked Ike. "Um…what happened to you?"

"Nothing," Ike lied.

Mist decided to tell what really happened. "Father knocked Ike out with a stick. End of story."

Ike rolled his eyes and was about to yell at Mist but Greil spoke. "You came at just the right time, Boyd. It's your turn to knock Ike out with a stick. But in your instance, it's an axe.

"Cool!" Boyd exclaimed.

"I think Ike should fight someone on his own level," Greil said. "Alright with you Ike?"

"Yeah, whatever. I just want to attack someone."

"Hmph," Boyd huffed. "I don't know what he means by, "on his own level" stuff, but whatever, I'll fight you."

As the battle began, Anna the helpful-hint girl, popped up. "I'm going to teach you how to fight!!" exclaimed the girl with BRIGHT red hair.

Suddenly, a random archer came by and killed her. But, there were no tears.

Ike ran up to Boyd and readied himself. Mist screamed, "Chop that green hair straight off, Ike!"

Boyd blew a raspberry at Mist. But, Ike swung his sword at Boyd causing 9 damage! Boyd chuckled, slammed Ike with his axe, and readied himself again as Ike charged, and, with a one last slash, caused Boyd to fall.

"That…that wasn't too bad," Boyd said in astonishment.

"Boyd's a loser! Boyd's a loser!" Mist sang.

"SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!!!" Boyd snapped.

Greil blinked, "Um…that's enough, Boyd." Boyd walked over to a tree to sulk at his loss. "Nice work, Ike! Now, this time, I'm actually going to challenge you! But first…Mist!

Mist walked over her to Ike. "Here you go! It's a vulnery. A vulnera. A vuuuulneeer…

"Vulnerary?" Ike asked.

"Yeah! That! Here!"

You got a Vulnerary!

"I did?" Ike inquired.

Yes Ike, you did. Congrats.

Greil grew impatient. "Ike! Stop playing with the narrator and let's get this over with! This background music is starting to anger me. Oh…and um…I need to make a speech here. Oh yeah! Um…use that Vulnerary or I'm going to kill you. Alright! Let's do this!

Ike immediately used the Vulnerary and healed. Greil ran over to his son and slashed him. Ike did the same and they both lost energy. Ike used the Vulnerary again as Greil charged forward once more and slashed Ike, who countered. Greil had lost more energy than Ike, and Ike could tell. So, instead of healing, Ike attacked, and this time, it was his father who fell.

Mist was cheering, but Ike was not happy. "Father, you were holding back, weren't you?"

Greil stood, "A bit pessimistic, aren't we? Well, yeah, I was. And um…you're improving…I guess.

Boyd stopped sulking to run over. "I was doing the same thing! Ha! Hahahah!!

"Liar…" Mist growled.

"So…" Ike started. "Can I be a person who randomly runs around and kills people?"

Greil blinked. "Uh, fine, Ike. Tomorrow will be your first day as a full-fledged mercenary, who kills people!"

"Yay!" Ike squeaked. "You watch me father! I'll catch up to everyone!"

"Alright everyone," Greil said. "Back to the fort!"


	2. The Actual Chapter 1

Chapter One:

The Battle Begins…in the Hands of an Insane Ranger

Titania, a girl with REALLY long red hair stood there tapping her foot nervously. Finally, with a loud yawn as an entrance, Ike appeared.

Titania forced herself to smile and act perky. "Good morning Ike! Today's the day you become a mercenary! Who kills people!"

Ike blinked, "Um…yeah…I'm ready…"

"FOOLISH SON!!!" Greil boomed. "HOW DARE YOU NOT GET UP EARLIER!!!"

Ike stepped back a bit. "Um…faaaaatheeeer…don't spaz. I'll get up earlier from now on." Silence. "So…what's my first job?"

"I'm talking with Titania right now," Greil barked. "Wait outside, fool."

"Yes sir…" Ike said heading for the door. "Curse my temperamental father…" The blue haired Ranger mumbled.

"Okay, Greily…" Titania swooned. "Shall we continue?"

Greil blinked. "Um…that…sounds really wrong. I mean, REALLY WRONG. Like, NC-17 wrong. Alright, I'm done. So…what were we going to continue with?"

Titania got more serious. "The job you want us to do."

"Oh yeah…go kill those Bandits in that one city. That'll be something you can do."

"Fine…" Titania went to fetch Ike. "Come on, you blue-haired gerbil…"

Ike made gerbil sounds and followed Titania.

Outside, Oscar, a green haired lancer with happy, squinted eyes was waiting. "Hello Titania!!" He squeaked. "I'm ready!!"

Ike blinked. "Why are you so smiling and happy??" He asked. "Do you have some daaaaaaark past that you wish to cover up?"

"No I-

Ike continued. "I bet a girl left you, or you witness the death of your parents, or YOU killed your parents! Boyd! Your brother's a murderer!!"

"Oh dear Goddess!!!!" Boyd gasped, shaking his brother. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"I didn't kill our parents!!" Oscar screamed.

"DON'T LIE TO ME, OSCAR!!!" Boyd ran to a corner and sulked.

Oscar growled at Ike. "I despise you…"

"And yet, your face says, 'Hello, I'm Oscar, and I'm happy!'" Ike shot back.

"Oh…you just wait until I become a Paladin and get stronger than Titania."

"Ha!" Titania laughed. "You can't become stronger than me! I'm a tank!"

"Yeah," grumbled Oscar. "For the first half of the game."

Boyd stopped sulking to break them up. "I think we should go kill those bandits."

"Fine…" Titania said, leading them all out.

Caldea

"Alright," said Titania pointing at a map that magically appeared. "The blue dots are us; the red dots are the bandits. Let's go kill."

"Yay!!" Oscar, Boyd, and Ike screamed.

Map Clear: Seize

Boyd immediately ran to the nearby house, robbed and killed the old guy, and received a Steel Sword! Ike, on the other hand, ran up to a nearby bandit, and successfully brought him down. Oscar rode his horse over to a bandit and stabbed him, but unfortunately, Oscar received some damage. Titania rode up a bit.

The boss of the bandits, Zawana (who could break a mirror with his hideous face) was watching. "Gaaaah!" He screamed "Mercenaries! Who kill people! Burn a house to show we mean business!"

One repugnant bandit ran up and burned a house. To try to be "intimidating". Another bandit took a shot at killing Titania…but died in about three seconds.

"Ha! See? I am a tank!" Titania screamed.

"Whatever…" Oscar groaned, killing a bandit that was trying to pick him off.

Titania rode up to a house and stole a Seraph Robe. "Bwahahah!" Titania laughed. "Fear the tank!"

Ike groaned and advanced towards the bandit boss with Boyd.

Once again, a bandit tried to kill Titania…they failed.

Ike ran up to a bandit and weakened him. "Kill him, Boyd!"

Boyd ran screaming like a madman up to the bandit and killed him.

Titania, who was quite sick of being surrounded by ugly bandits, ran up to the leader and killed him.

"Tell my mother…I didn't mean to leave the fish in the kettle…ugggh…" Zawana died.

Ike, Oscar, and Boyd, teamed up to pick off one last Bandit. And then, Ike ran up to the glowing orange square and seized it.

"Yay!!" Titania cheered. "We did it!"

"That was fun!" Ike squeaked. "When do we get to kill more people?"

"Soon!" Boyd replied. "But you should've seen me on my first time!"

Oscar groaned. "You broke your own axe." Then he added in sarcastically, "You were the best mercenary, who kills people, I've ever seen!"

"I hate you, Oscar," Boyd grumbled.


	3. This is Chapter 2

Zelda: Ack! This chapter got deleted, so I had to re-write it. It might not be the same…

Chapter 2:

Rescuing Two Snot-Nosed Kids

A man with orange hair and draped in a white robe walked over to Titania. "Hi, Titania!" He squeaked happily.

"Huh? Rhys? I thought you were dead!" Titania replied.

"Well, it was that night where I was in the forest and it started raining. Of course, being the clumsy priest that I am, I fell in some mud. Then, I ran to your house for shelter and you thought I was a zombie."

"Oh yeah! Then I knocked you out," Titania responded. "Uh, we had a funeral for you."

"Hm…maybe that's why I woke up in a confined tomb of wood with little air and buried 8 feet underground."

"Right, so, why are you so unsteady? Are you drunk?"

"No, I had a fever for about a month so…I've been bedridden. This…most likely corresponded with your whole, 'Rhys is dead' thing."

"Well, go to bed. We don't need you." Titania gestured Rhys to go another way.

"But, I'm a mercenary! Who kills people!"

The Paladin snickered. "What are you going to do? Strangle them with your cloak?"

Rhys got an evil look. "Who told you I did that to my grandma? IT'S LIES!! ALL LIES!!!!" The priest thrashed about screaming random incantations.

"Rhys! RHYS!!!" Titania grabbed a hold of him to calm him down. "Get a hold of yourself!"

The psycho priest took a few deep breaths, and then he took out a tattered, old green blanket and began to cuddle it. "Nani, nani, naaaaniiii…" At this point he went into a psycho priest blanket trace.

Titania blinked. "Uh…Rhys?" She tugged on the disgusting cloth.

Rhys's eyes turned red. "Don't touch my blanket! SUPER PRIEST!!!!" He lunged at Titania and began beating her.

"Gaaah! Rhys! GET OFF!!!" She had to think of something because this wasn't working. "Uh, don't you have a letter?"

He immediately stopped. "Yup!" Rhys handed the letter to Titania.

"Uh, oh no! How dare they! I got to go. Go…tell Oscar to prepare for combat and wait for me! Um, bye!" She rode off in a hurry.

"…liar. Oh well." The priest quickly ran to the fort. "Hey losers! Get in here!"

Boyd bounced in. "What's all the hubbub, bub?"

Oscar came in. "Boyd…I command you to never say that again."

Ike trotted in. "Spam sandwiches?"

"Mist and Rolf have been kidnapped," Rhys said.

It was silent.

"They're taking the hobbits to Isengard," Boyd announced gravely.

Everyone gasped.

Ike gathered his things. "We have to save them!"

"Are you mad?" Rhys exclaimed. "Titania would rip out our eyes and jam them up our noses!"

"Well, I don't care!" Ike snapped. "I'm going."

Boyd followed Ike. "I've always wanted to see what's it's like in my nose! Wait!"

Rhys shook his head. "Whatever. Your funeral." He followed.

Oscar sat there for a few seconds. "Must…obey…oh, I'm going too!"

**On the Road…**

"Look! Fork in the road!" Boyd pointed out.

"Hm…" Ike began to point at them. "Eenie, meanie, mighty, moe…"

Rhys blinked. "I wonder which way."

"I know this rode," Oscar said. "It's the-

"IT'S THIS WAY!!!" Boyd screamed, running down the right path.

"Neat!" Ike followed.

"No you idiots!" Oscar yelled. "It's the left fork, THE LEFT FORK!!!"

After an hour of running around in circles and a couple of violent skirmishes with woodland creatures and each other, Ike and company made it to the stronghold.

There stood Ikanau, who was as pretty as a dead seagull. "Where's the red haired lady? This isn't a tea party without the red-haired lady! GET THEM!!!"

A bunch of bandits ran out of the trees.

"Oh pooper scooper," Ike hissed. "We actually have to do something.

Map Clear:

Rout

Basically, the battle consisted of much bandit extermination. Oscar, Boyd, and Ike leveled up while Rhys healed.

"You know," Oscar admitted. "It's kinda nice not hearing Titania scream at us."

Knock on wood Oscar…

"But I have no wood! …uh-oh…" Oscar knew that sound. It was the sound of an angry Titania, charging full speed.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" She screamed.

All of the boys shrunk back.

"B-But Titania…" Ike started.

"No buts! You're going to get such a talking to, young man! Keep your eyes on the road at all times!"

It was tedious work, but with the living tank on their side, the Mercenaries, who do indeed kill people, slaughtered many bandits and confronted the children's captor.

"Okay, okay…" the leader said. "Put down your weapons and we'll let them go."

The group looked at each other, and then set down their weapons.

"…HA!! I lied! You all are idiots!" he turned to Rolf, who, someday, shall blossom into one heck of an archer, and lifted his ax.

…just then, he was shot by a random archer. But wait! This random archer had a name! And long magenta-ish hair! He name is Shinon, and boy, is he arrogant.

"Like, O-M-G!" shrieked Mist. "It's like, totally Shinon!"

Gatrie lugged behind him. "Huff…huff…stupid armour! Why do I wear you again?" He thought. "Oh yeah, 'cause it makes me look HOT! I'm too sexy for my armour, too sexy for my armour, so sexy, it's…armour…"

"Uh…" Ike stuttered. "Sorry, Titania."

Titania sighed. "It's okay, I understand your actions. Apology accepted."

Ike bounced. "Yaay! Now let's go home!" All of them began to march toward home. Oh wait, something seems to be missing.

…

…

Give up?

Rolf.

He passed out from fright.

But I'm sure they'll realize he's gone.

…

Okay, maybe not.

Okay, sorry, that would've been longer and funnier, but I rushed through the chapter and only outlined the main points. Chapter 3 is actually the ORIGINAL chapter so it's all good and I hopefully won't do this again until the chapter I left off at.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

Dim-witted Pirates Aground

"Hello, daddy!" Ike said upon entering.

"FOOL!!! DO NOT ADRESS ME LIKE THAT!!!" Greil bellowed.

"It was just a joke, father, geez…"

"Sit your skinny butt down, son." Ike sat. "Well, Titania told me about the kidnappings and you all disobeying her orders. OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!!!"

"Um…father…it was my fault?" Ike asked, scooting back.

"I SHALL BE A HERO AND ACCEPT PUNISHMENT!!" Boyd screamed.

"Hey!" Ike growled at Boyd. "I'M the hero!"

"Silence Cornholio!" Rhys shouted. "I'm the one responsible!"

Everyone in the room blinked and asked in complete unison, "Who's Cornholio?"

Oscar spoke up. "Um…it's my fault…uh…yeah…"

"Silence!!" Greil yelled. "You disobeyed orders! You are all GROUNDED!!"

"Aw…" Ike whined. "Now I can't go to the school prom."

"There IS no school prom you idiot," Oscar mumbled.

"Totally, O-M-G, father! They saved us!" Mist exclaimed.

"I don't care, Mist!" Greil barked. "They're going to be punished."

"I hate you father!!" Ike began to sob and ran out of the room. Shinon and Gatrie stopped him though.

Greil sighed. "Oscar, Boyd, Rhys, follow the leader…" Greil lead them out of the room.

"Shinon, Gatrie, and Ike." Titania said. "Follow meeee!"

At some port…

Havetti, the most disgusting looking thing on Earth, was stopping at the port. "Yar nar smar! Me belly's empty! Let's go attack this town for food!"

Titania, Gatrie, Shinon and Ike arrived at this port. Titania looked at the ship that just SCREAMED the word pirate. "Hey…um…that's a pirate ship, isn't it?"

"Noooo…" Shinon said sarcastically. "It's your uncle Louie."

"I have an Uncle Louie?" Titania asked.

"Will you guys just kill them?!" An old man asked.

"Are there women involved?" Gatrie asked with a perverted grin. "Because I wanna…well…you know…"

"What?" Ike asked.

"You know…do it," Gatrie replied.

"Do what?" Ike asked again.

"**It**" Gatrie answered.

"What's it?!" Ike had no idea. Gatrie sighed and whispered some stuff in Ike's ear.

"Alright," the perverted knight said. "That's all you need to know."

"Oooh. But what are the strawberries for?"

Gatrie smiled. "You'll learn when you're older." The blue armoured knight moved forward.

Titania tapped Ike on the shoulder. "Hey, what did he tell you?"

Ike shrugged. "I dunno. Something about putting a sword in a sheathe. Why he wants to do that with a girl, I have no idea. I mean, I do that all of the time! See? I'm doing it right now!" Ike sheathed his sword. "Well, I did **it** or whatever." The moronic blue haired Ranger moved forward.

Titania and Shinon looked at each other for a few seconds, and then both of them gagged. "That's gross!" Shinon screamed.

But, they had to get on with this.

Map Clear: Defeat Boss

It started out with Titania riding up to a house where she met a blue haired man.

"Hello!" said the man. "You see, I have no relevance until later in the game where you all need a boat, so, take this elixir and leave!"

Then, Shinon began to pick off an axe warrior. He didn't defeat him, but Ike sure did. Gatrie walked off and killed a swordsperson in the corner.

A bandit tried to kill Shinon, but failed. "Stupid…Provoke ability."

Suddenly, Anna the helpful-hint girl popped out of a house. "I'm here to teach you about abilities!"

Shinon sighed. "Again with you?!" The magenta haired archer shot Anna and killed her. Still, there were no tears.

Shinon killed off a bandit as Titania, Gatrie and Ike moved up. An archer attempted to pick off Ike, but failed like all of the others. Gatrie weakened the archer for Ike and the blue haired Ranger finished the archer off. Shinon and Titania picked off two nearby bandits.

Suddenly, a pink haired girl on a Pegasus entered the battlefield. "Pirateths hast trickethed me!"

"What?!' Havetti exclaimed.

One of his pirates translated what she said. "Pirates have tricked me."

"Oh!" said Havetti. "Well, we're honest pirates, lassie."

"Thou proclaimedeth to have fathomed the whereabouts of my older male initiated of fraternity!" The girl named Marcia replied. "This concludeseth whyeth I hast arrived at your sea-going watercraft!"

Havetti turned to his translator who shrugged. "Um…" Havetti said. "Your brother died. Go away."

"Fools!!! I shalt smite thee!!!" The pink haired girl flew outward and killed a soldier.

Ike finished off a pirate and Titania and Gatrie teamed up on another.

The pink haired girl finished off another pirate as the others moved up. Finally, Ike caught up with her. "Hey…are you all right?"

"Wouldst thou…ah!" The pink haired Pegasus rider slapped her forehead. "Who am I kidding?? I can't talk like this for another second! You! Boy! Kill every one of these stupid pirates! I'll pay you back later!!"

Ike watched the girl fly away. "Um…okay…"

Shinon killed a pirate in Titania's way, allowing Titania to quickly ride up and kill the boss. "All right, we're getting out of here!" She exclaimed and she rolled the dead body into the water.

The mercenaries, who kill people, went to report to the old man. "We killed them all, now fork over your money!"

The old man did so. "Commander Greil is better than you, fool! Bwahahah!"

Ike poked Titania. "I bet you're maaad…"

"I'm not," Titania replied.

"Pah!" Shinon exclaimed. "This job sucked. This town sucks. You all suck!!!"

Gatrie said and knocked Shinon out with his lance. "I had no fun with any women. I'm sad…"

"Titania's angry," said Ike.

"I'm not angry!! Look, let's just go back home! I hate you all!!!" Titania stormed off.

"Yup…she's angry…" Ike said with a laugh as he and Gatrie dragged Shinon's body back home.

Remember, the next chapter is Soren.

**Soren pwns you all.**


	5. Soren's First Appearance!

Chapter Four:

Roadside Idiocy

A dark clothed boy with red eyes trudged up to the mercenary fort. "Oh Ashera…please help me…" The boy obviously did not want to be here.

When Mist saw this boy, she immediately screamed, "Totally O-M-G!" And ran to her brother. "Ike! Ike! Guess who's here? Soren! It's Soren!"

Ike blinked and then a huge evil grin dashed across his face. "Oh, really?"

"Yup! He's in the mess hall, go talk to him!"

"Gotcha…" Ike left.

In the mess hall, Greil and Titania were talking with Soren. "TITANIA!!! THE DAEINS ARE COMING!! THE DAEINS ARE COMING!!! GO TELL EVERYONE!!!"

Soren rubbed his ears. "Dear Ashera, man! Can you yell any louder?"

Greil blew a raspberry at Soren and stormed out. Ike came in. "Hey Soren!!"

Soren's left eye twitched as he saw Ike. "Um…something's happened. We need to fight some peo-

Before Soren could twitch his left eye, Ike was on top of him in an embrace screaming, "Soren, Soren, Soren, Soren!!"

"Get off of me you dim-witted peon! Hugging is a violation of my personal space!"

"Sorry…" Ike said, lifting Soren onto his feet. But, it didn't take long for him to throw his arms tightly around the poor Mage.

Soren sighed. "I hate you so much Ike…"

"I know!" Ike screamed.

"FOOLS!! REPORT TO ME AT ONCE!!!" Greil screamed.

"Let's go Soren!" Ike lifted the poor boy up, slung him over his shoulder and began to walk to his father.

"Put me down, you wretch!" Soren kicked and punched Ike as hard as he could but Ike still continued to carry him like a sack of potatoes. Finally, they joined Greil, who yanked Soren away from Ike.

"Alright Soren," Greil said. "Tell us…"

Soren dusted himself off and shot an evil look at Ike. "Well…Crimea and Daein have gone to war…"

"O-M-G!!!" Mist exclaimed. "No way!"

"SILENCE DAUGHTER!!!" Greil screamed. "SOREN, YOU DEPRESSED MAGE!! CONTINUE!!!"

Soren sighed, mumbled something about being surrounded by idiots and continued. The agitated Mage laid out a map. "Look at this map, it's of Crimea." He pointed to a building. "This is Melior, Crimea's capital. This goddess forsaken trash heap is right about here." Soren then pointed to a random spot on the map. "Everything started three days ago. I needed to research, so went to the royal library of Melior. Suddenly, wyverns descended from the sky and shook the building. When I ran outside, there was a giant army. They destroyed everything, much like what I'm going to do to this place when your backs are turned."

"What?" Titania asked.

"Oh, nothing," Soren said with a small smirk on his face. "But anyway, King Crimea's brother deployed the army to meet the attack, and told everyone to flee. I came here because I thought that I should the one that kills you all. Not Daein."

"So…we don't know who won?" Greil asked. "Well that's not very fun…"

"Great…" Titania huffed, "Now we're going to be slaughtered like livestock."

"Eek!" Ike squealed. "What are we going to do?"

"Help Crimea. They give money." Titania replied.

"And what about you, Soren?" Greil inquired.

"We're mercenaries, and we kill people." Soren answered. "But if they don't pay, we don't fight."

"So…you want to see Crimea be overrun?" Greil asked.

"Yeah, sure," Soren shrugged.

Titania wanted to argue back. "But-

Soren interjected. "Ashnard is powerful, you fool. I think Crimea is going to lose."

"CURSE YOU SOREN!!" Titania yelled.

Soren sighed. "No…they're going to lose…"

"SHUT UP!!" Greil screamed. "Let's just go out and see if everyone is dead. We'll go from there. Ike! You do it!"

"Yay!! I get to kill!!" Ike squealed with delight.

"Titania, you go with him," Greil instructed.

"Greil, you suck." Shinon grumbled. "Ike sucks, this mercenary thing sucks, I SUCK!!!"

"GO WITH HIM YOU SIMPLE MINDED FOOL!!!" Greil yelled "Gatrie, Rhys and Soren will go with you as well."

"Yay!" Ike charged out.

Some Path…

Everyone was spread out looking. Rhys walked over to Ike. "Hey, are you thinking about dead cows again?"

"No…" Ike responded. "And that was only once. I don't understand why father's putting ME in charge. It's weird."

"Fool. He's going to…ah…never mind." Rhys started gathering everyone up.

"Hey Soren," Ike said. "How are things looking over there?"

Soren sighed. "Dead bodies everywhere. Much like the dead flies and bits of dust that you call a brain. And most of them are Daein too."

"Hey!" Gatrie called. "We've got Daein on our tail!"

Maijin, a knight who…seemed to look a little bit better than those pirates confronted them. "Hey! What are you guys doing?"

"Nothing…" Titania started.

"WEAPONS!!! THEY'RE HEAVILY ARMED AND ARE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!! ATTACK, MEN!!"

Map Clear: Defeat Boss

Rhys and Soren moved into the corner. Soren sighed. "Greeaat. I have to stay in this stupid corner with an insane priest.

Rhys was chewing on his robe. "My robe tastes like a bad piece of fish."

Soren slapped his forehead. "How did I wind up surrounded by these idiots?"

The battle was going fine. But at one point, Titania killed a Daein soldier and Ike came up behind her and slapped her on the butt. Slowly, an aura of fire formed around the red-haired Paladin. "IIIIIIIKE!!!" she screamed. "WHAT IN ASHERA'S NAME WAS THAT FOR?"

Ike shrunk back. "But Titania, Gatrie told me that girls like that and it shows that they're appreciated."

Titania glared at Gatrie, who took a few steps back. "Um, nothing says "good job" like an open palmed, slap on the behind." The blue armoured knight laughed nervously.

"I'll give you an open palmed, slap on the behind." Titania said calmly, then she held up her axe. "WITH MY AXE!!!" Titania chased the perverted knight around on the battlefield.

Back on the evil side, Maijin was growing nervous. "This isn't working. Alright troops! Line up in a straight line in front of them!" The troops blinked, but did as they were told.

"What's going on?" Ike asked.

All of them held hands and screamed in unison, "Red rover, red rover, send your Commander right over!"

"If he breaks through," Maijin said. "Then we will all kill ourselves. Deal? Deal."

Ike bent down in a race position, then, he charged towards the wall of Daeins. Suddenly, everything went all slow-mo as Ike charged. Finally Soren screamed, "Enough with the effects!" and the slow-mo stopped. Ike broke through the arms of the army and Maijin sighed.

"Alright…" he said grimly as he put his lance to his heart. "Time to die."

In unison, the whole army stabbed themselves with something and died. Everyone blinked.

"Um…" Ike said. "Uh…I think I hear something in the forest!" Ike ran to the trees and everyone followed.

"Oh…great…" Rhys sighed. "It's a woman…"

"LEAVE HER. I swear on my life that if we bring her with us, something's going to happen, I just know it." Soren said angrily.

Ike and Rhys picked up the girl who obtained the name Elincia. Oh, how I cringe at that awful name. She had an obnoxious shade of green for a hair colour and a hideous bright orange dress that just made her plain hard to look at. Ike…you're doing the wrong thing…

"Ha!" Soren laughed. "See? The narrator even agrees with me! If we take her, something bad is going to happen…"

**And he's right…**


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

Flight! …no comment on title…

"O-M-G, father and brother! That lady is like, totally awake!!" Can you guess who that is?

Ike and Greil followed Mist to meet the woman. Greil twitched as this horrible clash of colours greeted them. "Er…um…are you okay?" Greil asked in between his twitching.

"Like, totally!" her extremely high voice broke a nearby mirror. "But first, you're like, going to have to totally tell me who you are, okaysies?"

Greil twitched again. "Um…I'm Greil. I'm a mercenary and I kill people." He then whispered into Ike's ear. "Can I kill her? PLEASE?"

Ike hissed back. "No you can't! Look, you have deal with her until chapter 8, okay?"

Greil blinked. "Wait, what?"

"O-M-G!" Elincia squeaked. "Thanks for like, totally saving me!"

Great. Another girl who says, "O-M-G"…

"Totally O-M-G!" Elincia shouted. "It's like, a narrator!"

Greil was sick of this. "YOU INFERIOR WENCH!!! IKE SAVED YOU!!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK, FAT HEAD!!!" The angry commander stormed off into the corner.

Elincia giggled and bashed her eyelashes. "Yooou saved me, handsome? Tee hee! Tee hee hee hee hee!"

Ike twitched, "Um…you're welcome?"

"WHO ARE YOU, FOOL??" Greil screamed/asked. "AND WHY IN ASHERA'S NAME WERE YOU PASSED OUT IN A FOREST?!"

"DOT DOT DOT!!" Elincia screamed.

In unison, Ike and Greil sweatdropped, "JUST TELL US WHO YOU ARE!!" They both screamed.

Elincia stood on the table triumphantly. "I…I…I have absolute purpose to this story! I am…" she did a few spastic moves, "PRINCESS CRIMEA!! BWAHAHAHA!!!"

Ike and Greil blinked and it was silent for about three minutes. Elincia eventually fell over from her pose and started having seizures on the ground…

**A few hours later…**

Ike and Greil had to tie her to chair to get her to calm down. "Alright," Greil said, finally. "Back to the main point. Elincia, I don't believe you."

"That's because like, I've been like, in hiding all my life. And…I'm like, a gothic emo because of it!"

Ike was about to point out that she was in a bright orange dress, she was constantly smiling and saying "like" too much, but he didn't want her to spaz again. "So…uh…why?" Ike said instead.

Elincia thought for a few seconds. "To…um…avoid? Yes! Avoid! To avoid…um…na…nation…national! Yes, to avoid national…um…tur…turm…turmoil! Okay, to avoid national turmoil!"

"Okay," Greil said after he stopped snickering at Elincia's stupidity. "They did that to avert bloodshed. Fine. Whatever. So…let's say you are Princess Crimea. Then you should know if the king and your uncle are dead."

"My father and mother died!!!" Elincia sobbed. "I'm like, so totally depressed! I like, need to cut myself!"

Ike and Greil blinked.

"I need to go to Gallia," the "gothic emo" princess said.

Ike and Greil blinked again.

"King Caineghis shall help me! But…then my knights died, so I passed out!"

They continued to blink.

"And Ashnard knows I'm alive. He's going to kill me."

"Is that really a bad thing?" Greil asked.

"Okay, you all are like, mercenaries, who kill people, right?" Elincia asked. "Well, take me to Gallia. And get me a lemon smoothie!"

**Later that night…**

"So that wench in the clashing outfit is a princess? Yeah right…" Titania didn't believe Ike.

He shrugged. "Father acted like he believed her. Hey…what is wrong?"

"Ze past…it is returning!" Titania shouted.

"Um…"

"She looks like the king and queen…"

"Yeah…"

"Aaaaah! Soldiers!!" Rolf popped in and ran around Titania and Ike.

The green haired little boy was right…

"Is everyone here?" Greil asked.

"Present!" Titania squeaked.

"Daein sucks, Crimea sucks, THE WORLD SUCKS!!!" Shinon screamed.

Greil blinked. "Um…they want us to turn over Princess Crimea."

"Well, um…" Gatrie was twiddling his thumbs. "Could I maybe, um, go in that bedroom over there with her for a little bit? I'll make it quick."

Greil sighed. "NO. I don't want to deal with a pregnant princess."

Soren was glaring at everyone. "Let's give her to them."

"Hold on Soren," Greil replied. "Let's wait for everyone. Titania?"

"I think we should fight…" she said.

"All right, Soren," Greil said.

"Give that stupid girl to Daein. Let's put her out of her misery. We're mercenaries, and we kill people. Not protect princesses."

"Shinon? Gatrie?" Greil asked.

"I agree with Soren, the princess sucks," Shinon replied.

"I think we should let me deal with Elincia," Gatrie said. "Give me about 30 minutes and I swear, you'll get her back…"

Greil shook his head at Gatrie. "Oscar? Boyd?" He turned to the two green heads.

"I agree with Titania," Oscar responded. "But then again, I couldn't care less."

"I'm a hero!" Boyd exclaimed. "I must do what is right!"

The commander sighed. "Okay, Rhys. Tell us your opinion."

Rhys shrugged. "I'm neutral, leave me alone."

"And Ike?" Greil poked his son.

"I agree with Titania. As much as we would all like to kill Elincia, let's just protect for the sake of a plot."

"Okay, we're escorting that accursed princess to Gallia," the commander said.

Soren shut his eyes. "You idiot…"

Shinon rolled his eyes. "You suck Greil."

"Okay, everyone!" Greil yelled. "Go out there and kill yourselves! I'll stay in here and protect the princess!"

All of them ran out screaming, except Gatrie who peeked a sneak at Elincia in her bedroom. "Oh, I love 'em rich and stupid…"

**Well, we COULD watch a 6 turn survival mission, but who wants to watch that? Let's check up on the Commander…**

"I like poooooniiiiiieees…" Elincia said, with freaky eyes.

"Um…that's nice…" Greil scooted back a bit.

"Do you like ponies?"

"No, I REALLY don't."

"HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE PONIES!!!"

"Okay, okay…" Greil was freaking out. "I like ponies…"

Elincia smiled. "That's good! Wanna play dress up???" Elincia ran out of the room and came back dressed in Ike's clothes. "I am Lord Ike! Your new master!" She stopped and poked Greil. "Go get in a cloak…"

**10 minutes later…**

"I am the evil overlord, Benji…" Greil sighed while waving a trident.

"Yaaaay!" Elincia squealed.

**Alright…maybe this isn't such a good idea. I guess we should see Ike…**

"The enemy retreated!" Ike yelled.

Oh, really? Well, that was easy…

"So…uh…Daein hates us now?"

Greil stormed out, wearing make-up and a pink dress. "Everyone! Pack your things! We're leaving!"

Oscar nodded. "Got it…" he grabbed Boyd by the ear and dragged him off.

"Titania!" Greil called. "Take Shinon and Gatrie and kill everyone in your path! And Rhys, we're going to go set the fort on fire. Ike, you…you go help that green haired menace…"

Ike sighed. "Yes sir." But then, he snickered to himself. "I can make Mist help her…"

**In a weird hut…**

"Okey dokey," Mist said. "Let's pack stuff."

"Totally!" Elincia squealed. "O-M-G! What's that around your neck?"

"Oh this?" Mist pulled out a glowing medallion.

"It glows…"

"Yeah…it does…let's start at it for a few hours…

**Some…castle place…**

Petrine, one of the only DECENT looking evil people glared at the soldier. "What did you just tell me?!"

Dakova, the unlucky soldier cowered in fear. "Um…I'm sorry?"

"SUCCES OR FAILURE!! LIFE OR DEATH!!! KILL HIM!!!" Petrine began to thrash.

A soldier came in and killed him. Then he threw the lifeless body out the window and it landed on a passing old guy.

"Ena, you pink haired freak!" Petrine yelled. "Tell me where to go!"

"Gallia, you fat headed pig," Ena huffed.

"Yes! We shall send troops there!!" Petrine paraded out.

Ena blinked. "…idiot…"


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

A Brief (yeah right) Diversion

All right, there's supposed to be a huge speech here, but I'm shortening it. Basically, Daein invades Crimea, Ike finds a mentally ill princess, and everyone goes to Gallia. Yay.

"It's so hot out here," Gatrie said, whipping the sweat from his forehead. "Hot like me! I'm so hot, it's illegal! Who wants to see me strip?"

Everyone stared, wide eyed, at Gatrie, then they slowly backed away.

Titania was brave enough to speak. "Um…Gatrie? No. Do it, and I'll strangle you with my exceedingly long hair."

"Sub-humans suck!" Shinon yelled.

Ike blinked. "Subo-humano? Mucho frio!"

Soren slapped his forehead. "He's been saying that for the past SIX HOURS."

"Sub-humans suck, Ike," Shinon growled. "They're all hairy, and they…are ugly looking. Bah! I need a drink!" Shinon pulled out a huge bottle of whiskey and started chugging it down.

"Shinon, are you drinking?!" Rhys exclaimed. "That's a sin! SINNER!!!" Rhys tackled Shinon, started beat him with his staff, and screamed, "The power of our religion that was never named compels you!!!"

Soren sighed. "A little farther and we'll be out of these trees everyone. Then, I can get away from you brain dead ruffians…" 

**Somewhere else…**

"…and that's when we lost them. But I sent a squad after them," a meek soldier stood before Petrine.

"Whatever…" Petrine growled. "So, that brain dead princess is prancing through the forest of Gallia. I for one hope she gets eaten by a giant rabid squirrel. How about you, Ena?"

Ena sighed. "I agree, ma'am…"

"Ha! You know when I first saw you, I thought the king had some unknown daughter that he wanted to spoil. But, you've proven yourself!"

"…whatever…" Ena left.

"Now…to hunt them down like dogs!!!"

**Back to Ike and everyone…**

"Okay everyone! Combat positions! Now! Or else I'll have you skinned and place your skin at the foot of my bed!" Greil shouted.

Everyone started. "...that's…disturbing on many levels…"

Silence. Finally Titania broke it. "Well, I guess Daein wants us all killed, huh?"

"Duh, you red-haired wench," Soren hissed. "Why do you think they're following us? What do you think we're doing? Playing hide-and-go-seek?"

"Hide-and-go-seek?" Rolf squealed. "I love that game!"

"Well Rolf," Oscar said. "You're going to have to play it for a long time with Mist and Princess No Brain. We're dividing up our army and meeting the ambush."

"Divide and conquer!" Boyd shouted.

"Divido conquero? Mucho Frio!" Ike shouted.

Soren lost his temper. "SHUT UP IKE!!!!" Soren tackled Ike to the ground and began to clobber him with his heavy spell book.

"Hey!" a voice shouted from outside the trees. "Those mercenaries, who kill people, are here! Ambuuuuush!!"

"You suck, Soren," Shinon growled. "You just told the Daeins, who suck, that we, who suck, are here…which sucks!"

"Well, it doesn't matter," Oscar said. "Rolf, Mist, you take Airhead over there and run through the trees to the gate. The rest of us will distract them. Okay? Okay."

Greil nodded. "Gatrie! Shinon! Follow me, now!!" Shinon, Gatrie, and Greil left.

**Map Clear: Escape**

You know what? Who cares about the idiot Ranger and his half insane pack charging through, killing everyone, and escaping? Let's follow Mist, Rolf, and Elincia.

"O-M-G! I like, totally broke a nail!" Elincia shouted.

"O-M-G! That's like awful!" Mist came to comfort Elincia.

Rolf blinked. "Um…Mist, Elincia. We need to go…"

"You're so insensitive, Rolf!" Mist and Elincia began to cry. Then, Rolf began to cry. And for about thirty minutes, they cried.

**Thirty minutes later…**

They were all dehydrated from crying that they decided to take a drink from a river. When Elincia went to take a drink, a rabid piranha jumped out of the water, latched onto Elincia's dress and pulled her under the water where she drowned. But…as Mist and Rolf were staring in awe at her mangled, lifeless body floating down the river, Elincia suddenly spawned up again behind them.

"How did you…?" Rolf asked.

"Teehee! I'm like, totally one of the main characters! I can't die!" Elincia squeaked.

They continued through the forest when they came upon a Daein soldier. He was so surprised that he launched a Javelin through the air and it stabbed Elincia. She screamed so high pitched, that the soldier's sensitive ears began to bleed. Then, Elincia died and the soldier died from blood loss. But of course, after about 20 seconds, Elincia spawned up again and they continued to walk.

Elincia died many more times along the way. A branch crushed her, a rabid hedgehog fell out of the sky and ate her, she tripped and a pointy rock stabbed her in the heart, Rolf killed her, an army of ants infiltrated her lungs and she couldn't breathe, she bled to death from a paper cut, she ran with scissors, she choked on a coin, she was buried alive by mice, she caught fire, got struck by lightening…and…many more ways as well. But, finally, after watching Elincia die and re-spawn 186 times, they finally met up with Ike.

"We made it! Yay!" Ike squealed.

"Brother!" Mist shouted. "Did you know Elincia…"

Elincia pressed her index finger against her lips. "Sh…Mist, don't tell him…"

Rolf groaned. "Aw…"

"Well," Titania said. "We need not to worry about my knight in shining armour, Greil!"

Ike thought for a few seconds. "Elincia, go with Mist and Rolf to Gallia, we have to go back and see father."

Titania swooned. "We're coming soon, Greily…"


	8. Spoiler Chapter!

Chapter 7:

Shades of Evil (I **hate** this chapter)

**WARNING! This chapter contains spoilers. If you haven't gotten to this chapter in your game yet, then I suggest you read at your own will.**

"Fatheeeer!" Ike called. "Where art thou?"

"Ike, you ruffian!" Soren hissed. "You're going to get us all killed if you keep screaming like a woman in labour!"

"I'm pregnant?" Ike screamed. "Oh dear Ashera!! Who's the father?"

Soren slapped his forehead with his palm and gave a loud huff. "There is none, you moronic fool!"

Ike blinked. "Wait that doesn't make any sense…"

Oscar was listening on this conversation and he began to chuckle. "I'm surprised that Ike even knows what pregnant is…"

"I do so!" Ike protested. "…what is it again?"

Everyone moaned and finally Soren yelled. "Can we just go to Gallia?"

"Well…I guess…" Ike responded.

Titania was looking in the distance. "Hm…I see a fort. Shall we go?"

"Okie dokie artichokie!" Ike squealed.

Soren glared daggers at Ike. "If you say that again, I will strangle you with your own intestines."

**At the fort…**

"Well, no ones here," Soren said. "Let's leave."

"No! I saw someone here! I swear it!" Titania shouted.

A soldier popped out of the staircase. "Look! Mercenaries! Who kill people! Quickly men! Let's kill them all!"

"Yay! Let's kill all of the soldiers!" Ike squealed.

Soren sighed. "We're extremely outnumbered…but…um…you can run in there and get killed if you want…"

**Map Clear: Rout**

Okay, this battle is INSANELY long. Well…at least…for me. I will only give you main points of it.

Well, everyone is doing their part. Oscar, Boyd, Ike, and Titania are fighting, Rhys is healing, and Soren is wishing they had a base so that he can level up with bonus experience.

Just then, a girl with long purple hair appeared. "Teehee!" she giggled. "Funny men in funny colours are here! And, teehee, people are fighting!" She ran up to Ike. "Teehee! Your name wouldn't happen to be Ike, like, would it? Teehee!"

"Uh-huh! It is!" he responded. "But, I don't know who you are!

"Teehee! I'm Mia!" she squeaked. "I'm like, a mercenary, who kills people, hired by like, Crimea to add force to the army's, like, numbers!"

"So, what are you doing here, then?" Ike asked.

"Teehee! I was like, captured. I was like, going to a prison camp. Teehee! But Greil saved me!"

"That's my father! Where is he?"

"Teeheehee! Just a little, teehee, north of here. Not too, teehee, far away, though. Teehee!"

"Okay…at least I know he's alive."

"Teehee! Who, like, are you guys?"

"We're the Greil Mercenaries, who kill people. We're killing Daein."

"Teehee! Fun fun fun! I'll, like, join you! Teehee!"

Does, um, anyone else here think Ike and Mia are extremely alike in their air headness?

Anyway, more fighting goes on. A few items and level ups here and there. But…just when the numbers were being diminished…

"Ha ha!" Petrine laughed like a madwoman. "I found them!"

And Ike, even though he was across the room, screamed. "Who are you?"

"I am General Petrine and I shall kill you all! Bwahahah!"

Soren blinked. "Petrine? Of the Four Riders?"

"Do you know her, Soren? Is she your evil stepmother, come to take you back to Daein?"

"…you moronic waste of space," Soren growled. "Do not poison my mind with your filth."

"Give me the princess!" Petrine yelled.

"She's in Gallia, you fool!" Ike responded.

"I don't believe you! Diiiie!"

"SILENCE, YOU UGLY WOMAN!!!" we all know that obnoxiously loud yell. It's…Greil! He made a fine appearance. Walking in and killing someone. "IKE!! HOW DARE YOU COME HERE!!!"

"I wanted to make sure you were all right," Ike responded.

"FOOLISH SON!!! PREPARE TO BE BEATEN WITH MY…my…um…SHOE!"

"Silence!" Petrine yelled. "You all will die!"

"Are the rumours of Ashnard's twisted games true, then?" Greil asked.

"Twisted games…" Gatrie said with a perverted grin. "Sounds like the kind of games I play with the women…heheheh…"

"Shut up…" Shinon grunted, whacking Gatrie with his bow.

"Shinon! Gatrie! I'll distract the woman!" Greil shouted.

"How?" Gatrie asked. "By having-

"Get everyone out of here!" Greil interrupted. "Okay, Petrine. Let's fight!"

Petrine shrugged and followed Greil into another room.

Gatrie snickered. "I don't think they're going to be fighting…heheheh…"

"Shut up!" Shinon yelled.

Okay, it was back in battle mode. But, the troops doubled.

All though it was hard work, the small group emerged victorious.

"Father!" Ike called, searching the halls for him. Finally, Titania found him. "Oh dear Ashera! Is he…?"

"He's fine," Titania said with a swoon. "And I mean both ways…"

"Gah! You fight too well!" Petrine screamed, backing away. "Who are you?"

"What? Are you giving up already?" Greil asked, ignoring the question.

"N-No…I am not defeated!" Petrine shot back.

Suddenly, a bunch of reinforcements popped in.

"Yay! More killing!" Ike squealed. "Wait…too many…um…father, let's go…"

Now, they were surrounded.

"Mwahahaha!" Petrine laughed. "The tide has turned! Death to them all!"

"Well, it was nice knowing you all…" Greil sighed.

There was a roar. And panic spread. The soldiers ran around like madmen screaming, "BEASTS!!!"

"No! You shall not leave!" Petrine yelled.

Seven laguz ran in. Ranulf, the leader, turned into his human formed. "Leave, you fools!" he shouted.

Petrine snorted. "No way!"

There was heavy clanking. In came the Black Knight, who will have much relevance later. "Withdraw, Petrine." He said with his abnormally high-pitched voice.

Petrine sighed and left.

The Black Knight turned to the group. "Dot dot dot…" he said.

"Are you going to take us all on?" Ranulf asked.

"Dot dot dot," he mumbled, and then walked away.

Boyd spoke up. "He shall be known, as dot dot dot man…"

**Outside**

Mist was there to greet them. "Totally O-M-G!"

Elincia popped in as well. "Opa!" she screamed.

Ranulf spoke. "Long story short, Princess Grass for Brains told us to help. I am a laguz, like everyone else in Gallia."

"Oh yeah!" Elincia piped up. "My uncle is dead! I'm going to drown myself!" She then gave a high pitched preppy laugh.

"Well, we'll see you all in Gallia! Bye!" Ranulf and Elincia left.

**Outside a fort they're resting at…**

"Father!" Ike chased his father down.

"Ike, go to bed…" Greil pushed him to the ground and walked off.

But Ike, being this idiot that he is, followed his father. He ran, asking himself what the deal was with his father. Then he saw them, the Black Knight and Greil in violent combat. And, it was quite obvious that his father was losing, so, he ran in.

"Ike! Stay back!" he yelled.

The Black Knight pushed Greil back and threw a blade at him, but Greil refused. Then, after a long speech from Greil, the two sprung into combat. After some more various fighting, the Black Knight lunged his sword into Greil, causing him to fall. Ike kneeled down to comfort him and began to scream.

"Unbelievable…I killed my own teacher," the knight huffed.

Ike shook his father. "How could I kill you like that?"

"Um…I killed him..."

"Right, I killed him."

"Fool, I just stabbed him!"

"Yeah, I know, that's what I've been saying. I killed him."

"No, _I_ killed him, boy."

"I know you did. I killed him."

The Black Knight sighed. "All right, we're getting this straight. I, the Black Knight, just stabbed your father, and now he's bleeding to death, okay?"

Ike nodded. "Yes, I, the Black Knight just stabbed my father."

"I'M the Black Knight."

"I'm not an idiot, I know I'm the Black Knight."

The Black Knight was getting furious. "I'M THE BLACK KNIGHT!!!!"

"I know that! You've said it a hundred times! I'm the Black Knight!"

"No you're not!!! I am!!!!" The Black Knight was rampaging about.

"I know that I'm the Black Knight, okay, Ike?"

"GAH!!!" He couldn't take it anymore. The Black Knight warped away.

Ike sighed and slipped his father onto his back and brought him back to the fort where everyone freaked out and began accusing Ike of being a murderer. After a confusing story from Ike, they all worked together to bury him. Mist and Titania cried for several hours, and Ike, claiming that he could never cry, just sat there.

Zelda: Just to tell you, that part was HARD to make humourous. Sorry if it was too depressing…


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

Despair, Hope, and a Hungry Mage

A random Ike flashback. It's of him and his father training in that very same forest that Greil died in. Or…at least…it seems that way. Anyway, a little father and son thing happens as the depressing music plays.

Let's see…ack! Mist and Ike mourning! Let's not go there…

Titania sighed. "It's really quiet without Greil yelling at as…"

Soren rolled his eyes. "Please, I went deaf because of him. Maybe, without his guidance, you will all die."

Ike came in. "Mist is in her room. I couldn't get her to stop crying. I tried threatening her and everything.

Titania growled at him. "That's not how you get a girl to stop crying, you moron!"

"Hey!" Ike shot back. "I'm not a mother!!"

"Yes you are," Soren mumbled. "You're girly enough to be."

"I am not girly!"

"Oh really?" Soren asked, holding up a pink dress. "I found this in your packing."

"Er…" Ike looked around nervously. "That's…not mine. It's um…Mist's! Yeah!"

"Hm…seems a bit too big for Mist."

"Well, um, then it's Elincia's!"

"Ike, when we found that wench, was she carrying around a pink dress? No." Soren smirked. "Accept it, I won."

"Okay…okay…" Ike snatched the dress back. "I admit it, I wear this when no one's looking."

Soren and Titania exchanged looks.

"What?" He slipped the dress on over his clothes. "It makes me feel pretty! And the breeze is quite refreshing."

Soren and Titania gagged and turned away in disgust.

Oscar trotted in. "Boyd and I…are…back…" Oscar stared in disgust at Ike. "Dear Ashera, man! Have you no shame?"

Boyd stared laughing. "Hey everyone! Ike's a pretty princess!"

Titania was finally able to rip the goddessforsaken dress off of Ike. "Present your news!"

Boyd forced himself to stop laughing. "Well, they left! They just left!"

"What, what, what?" Ike asked.

"Well…uh…" Boyd started.

"Shinon and Gatrie left," Soren said bluntly.

"NOO!" Ike screamed, collapsing to the ground dramatically. "It's because of meeee!

"Yup!" Boyd said. "It's because you're going to be the new commander! Shinon spazzed, stormed off, and dragged Gatrie with him."

Oscar nodded. "We tried to talk to them, but they wouldn't listen."

"They're both fools," Soren huffed. "It's obvious that Ike was going to inherit the company. But, whatever. We're going to have to replace them."

Ike stood to strike a heroic pose. "I will follow my father's wishes and lead the company!"

Everyone cheered for him except Soren.

Then Rhys walked in. "Mist is asleep Ike."

Ike nodded. "Okay!!! I shall command you all and we shall kill!!"

Titania stopped him. "Ike, well, we got these new people who will sell us stuff. So, now we have a base."

Soren snickered evilly to himself. "Once I gain enough levels from Bonus Experience, I will kill all of them! Bwahahah!"

So, after a lot of selling, buying, bonus experience, and equipping, the mercenaries, who kill people, were ready.

The next morning, Titania and Ike were up bright and early. "Hey Ike, is everything okay?"

"Oh…you're up."

"Yeah, well, we need to get to the palace, any word from it?"

"No, nothing yet."

Soren walked in and pointed to the window.

Enemies soldiers lined up outside.

"Aw, fingernails, they're here," Ike groaned.

"Stupid Daein…" Rhys growled.

"Meeeh…" Boyd groaned. "I'm too tired to chop off people's heads."

"Well, I think we're all going to die," Oscar said.

Soren sighed. "We're surrounded. We can't run."

"Let's kill them all!" Ike screamed and led everyone out.

**Map Clear: 8 Turns Defense**

Well, everyone had little jobs here. Titania handled the west entrance of the fort since she was "a tank".

"I AM A TANK!!!" she screamed while killing someone.

Oscar, handled the south entrance because he was just plain awesome.

"I am? Cool! I'm awesome!" Oscar squealed.

Ike handled the east entrance because…well…he's an idiot.

"I'm an idiot! Yaaay!" Ike yelled.

Soren stood behind Ike to back him up. As did Boyd. Rhys was ready to heal, and Mia was there to push Soren out of the way so he wouldn't get hurt.

"Like in Dante's Peak! Teehee!" Mia giggled.

Everyone stared.

Well, Oscar had to deal with a bunch of people on horseback. Poor guy.

Titania basically destroyed everyone in her path, and Ike had to deal with the armour people.

Though, somewhere on the field, there was a young female mage trotting about. Will she be of use or not?

Ike forced himself through the onslaught of enemies and finally reached this mage. She had long, light purple hair, sweet beautiful eyes, a gorgeous outfit, and once her lovely eyes caught the gaze of Ike, his stomach lurched. Was it love? Were they destined to meet? No…I'm kidding. Ike's stomach lurched because once they saw each other, the girl started to drool.

Ike gulped as he approached her. "Uh, hi. Who are you?"

"I'm Ilyana…" she said with the sweetest voice.

Ike blushed; maybe he could set aside the whole drooling thing.

Or…maybe not.

For, as Ike began to rub his neck nervously, a sharp pain was felt in his arm…

The girl was trying to eat his arm.

"DEAR ASHERA!!!" Ike screamed shaking her off. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I'm sorry…" she almost whispered. "I haven't eaten in days, I was hallucinating…"

Ike shook his head. "Okay, I can forgive that. Um…would you like to join our crew?"

She smiled sweetly. "Oh, I would love to…"

Ike blushed more. "G-Good…now…back to fighting…" As he began to walk, he felt a sharp pain in his leg. When he turned around, there was Ilyana, sinking her teeth into Ike's leg. "GAH!!! DEAR GODDESS! GET HER OFF OF ME!!!" He fell to the ground, and Ilyana lunged on him like a wild animal.

"Meat…food…yum…" she actually tore off some flesh and swallowed it.

"STOP IT, VILE WOMAN!!!" Ike shoved her off.

"…I'm sorry. But, I'm a bit of a cannibal…"

Ike backed away from her. "Er…well…" Her beauty melted away, revealing a bloodthirsty animal. Ike was afraid of this mage. "You can join under one condition, NO EATING PEOPLE. Except the Daeins."

Ilyana sighed. "Aw…and you tasted so good. Oh well, I guess I can reduce my diet to Daein soldiers."

Well…er…okay. So Ike found a cannibal mage. Wonderful.

So, the battle raged on until Ike and his crew decided that they could take no more. Ike continued to kill off a bunch of people.

"O-M-G!!! Brother!" Mist cried.

"No Mist!!"

"I'm not letting you diiiie!"

Suddenly, two laguz came and basically slaughtered half the army. The cat laguz came up and killed the general. Then, they all went into the fort.

"So, did King Gallia send you?" Ike asked.

"He did. I am Mordecai," the big one said. "You are Ike, yes?"

"Yes, thanks for saving us."

"Ranulf told Mordecai that Ike is not a bad stranger."

"He talks funny," Mist whispered in Ike's ear.

The female cat, Lethe, hissed. "I don't think we can trust him! He's a beorc! A human! All human's hate us!!! They all must diiiie!"

Mordecai slapped Lethe. "Silence. We will escort them to Gallia."


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

We're Off to See the Wizard! …er…King…

Soren sighed as he walked in. "Um…hi…Ike."

"Soren!" Ike hugged him. "Good morning!"

Soren twitched, and the urge to set Ike on fire was rising. "I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it, bestest buddy?"

He twitched again. "Well, to put it bluntly, you need a tactician. I was forced to become it. So…here's my report." Soren shoved a piece of paper into Ike's hand. "Read it, if you can. It'll help us. Now, I'm going to go…uh…not plan to kill you…" Soren left.

All of the mercenaries, who kill people, gathered up new supplies from the long battle before. Especially Oscar who broke a Javelin, and a Short Spear.

**Out on the road**

"This place brings back such memories," Titania said. "Especially the ones I made up about Greil and I having-

"Ooh! Lookie! A bug!" Ike said, pointing at a bug scurrying across the ground.

Titania stepped on it. "You're supposed to be listening to me!"

"Aw…but you always tell me about your sick fantasies with my father!"

"Ike!" came a voice.

Mordecai rushed up to him.

Ike blinked. "What is it?"

"Are you tired?"

"That's all you wanted to ask me? Because, we're fine."

"Beorc are weak!" Lethe shouted. "I hate them all!! Die, die, die!"

"You know, Shinon and Lethe would've gotten along pretty well," Soren said.

"Lethe…you are what Soren likes to say about Ike. You're a moron."

Ike giggled. "I am a moron!"

Suddenly, Mordecai stopped moving. "I smell iron, and beorc. They're coming to kill."

Mordecai was right, there were soldiers coming to kill. They were led by Kotaff, a creepy old guy.

Soren sighed. "Daeins."

Ilyana drooled. "Daeins? Today, I shall feast!!!" Everyone backed away from her.

Ike blinked. "So, some of the invasion force is still around?"

Lethe hissed. "I hate them all."

Mordecai growled. "Let's slaughter them all."

"Titania!" Ike ordered. "Gather everyone!"

Lethe glared at Ike.

Ike blinked. "What?"

"Will you fight or flee?"

"Fight."

"So will we!" Mordecai screamed, dragging Lethe with him to the front.

"Mist, Rolf, you guys aren't fighting, so…go with the supplies people."

"Too bad!" Mist yelled. "I'm fighting!"

Rolf was behind her. "Me too! I can use a bow!"

Boyd hit his little brother on the head. "No you can't!"

Rolf started to cry, and Oscar sighed. "FINE. We'll let you fight, Rolf."

Mist got puppy eyes. "Pweeeaaase? I can heal you!"

"All right, fine. You can if you want."

**Map Clear: Seize**

This battle was nothing for Lethe and Mordecai. They just transformed and slaughtered everything in sight. This was more of a laguz duet with mercenary accompaniment. Seriously.

But, at one point, our favorite pink haired weirdo on a Pegasus rode up. Ike was just standing there…not thinking…when this insane woman rode up and whack him over the head with her lance.

"YOU!!!" She screamed.

Ike turned around. "Eep…" he backed away a little. "You're the loud girl…"

"Darn right I am! And now I'm joining your crew to repay my debt!"

"Th-That's not necessary…"

"FOOL!!! IT IS!!!" Marcia began to beat Ike senseless in the middle of the battle.

"You're crazy! CRAZY!!!"

"WELL THEN LET ME JOIN!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!"

"F-Fine…just please…don't hurt me…"

"All right, shake on it?" She stuck out her hand.

Ike took it, but he was immediately stuck in the blows of Marcia's lance.

"YOU PERVERT!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY HAND!!! DIIIIIE!!!"

Boyd and Oscar had to pull Marcia off of Ike. Soren just laughed.

Eventually though, Ike seized the fort and the battle was over.

Soren thought a bit. "It appears that now Daein and Gallia are at war now."

"Yay!" Ike squealed.

"You moron," Soren growled. "That's not good. Daein probably wants the whole continent to erupt into war."

"I hate beorc!!" Lethe screamed.

Mordecai sighed. "Lethe…you…"

"Are a moron?" Soren asked.

"Yes. You are correct, Soren," Mordecai responded.

Lethe sunk her claws into Ike's arm and began to drag him. "Come on."

Ilyana followed the group, dragging many dead Daeins.

"Ilyana," Ike said. "Only one."

"Aw…" she moaned. She chose the fattest one and started eating him.

**Castle Gallia**

"O-M-G!" Elincia exclaimed when she saw Ike. "I like, totally heard about your father. Wanna cut yourself with me?"

Ike backed away. "Uh…no thanks…"

It was silent. "Wanna make out?" she asked.

Ike didn't know the meaning of this question, but something told him it was not good. He took it as a threat. "Never, you vile being!" Ike started to beat Elincia.

Just then, King Caineghis walked in. He stared at the two morons. "Um…am I interrupting anything?"

Ike picked up Elincia and threw her across the room. "Good riddance, you evil princess!"

Caineghis blinked. "Uh…well…um…thanks for coming and all."

"Well, I'm Ike, and these are the Greil Mercenaries, who kill people."

"You have grown, Ike," the king said. "You were once brought here by your father when you were young. I will tell you the story. Lethe, Mordecai! Prepare rooms for our guests so they may heal."

Elincia was over in the corner, writhing in pain. "Help…me…" Randomly, a bird flew in and ate her eyes. Then a wolf came and began eating her body.

The king, Ike, Titania, and Soren all blinked, and then they pointed and laughed. Suddenly, she spawned back in a corner. Giffca, the king's shadow, morphed into a lion and continuously killed Elincia over and over. Ike, the king, Titania, and Soren laughed at this for an hour. Then, finally, the king told Ike about his father being a Gallian Mercenary who killed people and that Mist and Ike were both born there.

"…and that's the story. So, would you like to live here?" the king asked.

"No!" Ike struck a heroic pose. "I shall avenge my father! I shall grow stronger and lead my father's company!"

The king nodded. "Now, I have…a bit of bad news. I need you to lend your strength to Elincia."

Soren sighed. "Oh dear Ashera, no. I thought that we were done with Princess Airhead."

"I terribly sorry that I must place this awful task in on your shoulders, but there would be no plot if I didn't…so…take this accursed Princess to Begnion and ask for their help."

"So now, we must escort the idiotic Princess to Begnion," Titania said. "That's a task…so overwhelming and hard."

Soren nodded. "Now, some of us may go insane from the Princess's stupidity…"

"I give anyone who does go insane the permission to kill the Princess," Ike announced.

"Well, I guess that Ike FINALLY does something right, huh?" Soren said.

Titania put her hand forward. "All for one and one for all!"

Soren stared, and Titania grabbed Soren's hand and put on top of hers. Ike put one of his hands on theirs and with his other hand, he began to stick his finger up his nose. "I think I can feel my brain!" Ike exclaimed.

Soren looked at Titania with lowered eyes. "Ike has a brain?"


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Prisoner Release…I guess…

"Ike…are you leaving and taking that stupid princess with you to Begnion?" Ranulf asked.

Ike sighed. "Yes. I guess I should've listened to Soren and left her in that forest to die."

"But, then there would be no plot."

"Yeah, and my father wouldn't be dead. Hey! My father's death was all that stupid Elincia's fault!!!"

"Figured that all by yourself, eh?"

"As a matter of fact I did!"

"So, what are you going to do? Kill her?"

"Oh, I already have."

"What?"

"Well, you kill her, and then she comes back. I don't understand it."

"You don't understand a lot of things."

"I know…like where babies come from."

Ranulf gave an over exaggerated cough. "Uh, let's not go there. I'm just here to give you money and to tell you that you have to go to Crimea and hop on a ship to go to Begnion." He shoved twenty thousand gold pieces into Ike's hands, killed Elincia, and walked off.

Lethe and Mordecai came over to Ike. They had a look of despair on their faces. "We have to go with you," Lethe grumbled.

"We have to spend the rest of our journey with you, an airhead commander, and the accursed princess," Mordecai growled.

"Yay!" squealed Ike. "New friends!" He hugged them both, causing them to twitch.

**On the road…**

"Hey Ike," Ranulf said. "I think we should stop here."

"Why?" Ike asked.

"It's a prison camp."

"A camp?" Ike clapped his hands. "Goody goody gumdrops! I love camps!"

"You moron," Ranulf hissed. "Prison camps aren't fun! They torture people."

"What's torture?" Ike asked.

Ranulf slapped his forehead. "Just go in there, you idiot!"

"Maybe we can rescue the soldiers and force them to join us! Bwahahah!" Titania screamed.

Soren shook his head sadly. "Greeaat, we have a Greil replacement."

**In ze castle…**

"Well, you all are going to have to figure out how to rescue these people on your own," Ranulf said. "I'm leaving." Ranulf walked out.

Everyone looked at Soren.

Soren blinked. "What, so I'm the only one who has the brain capacity to figure out how to open these doors?"

"No, I know how to," Oscar said. "But, this is your line."

Soren sighed. "FINE. Just kill the jailer and steal the keys, morons."

Suddenly, a shady man walked in. "I have business with Sir Greil, yo. Where is he, yo?"

"Dead, you freak. What do you want with him?" Soren growled.

"Well, that's a problem, yo," the man said. "I needed to speak with him, yo."

"WHO ARE YOU?" Titania yelled.

"Call me Volke, yo. Sir Greil hired me, yo."

"My father hired you?" Ike asked.

"You are Greil's son, correct, yo? You'll do, yo."

I'm not sure but I'm not sure the word "yo" was invented back then. Oh well.

Volke continued. "Sir Greil hired me to investigate something, yo. You'll pay my price, and I'll give you my report, yo. Deal, yo?"

"How much?" Ike asked.

"Fifty thousand, yo," Volke responded.

Ike blinked. "I'm not sure, is that a lot?"

Titania nodded. "Yes Ike, it is a lot."

"Okay," Ike replied. "Volkie, give me time."

"Don't mess with my style, yo. Don't call me Volkie again, yo," Volke growled. "So, you're willing to pay though, yo?"

Ike nodded. "My father hired you. He must've had a good reason. So, you can travel with us."

"Well, call me, yo. On my cellphone, yo."

Everyone blinked. "What's a cellphone?"

Volke shrugged. "I don't know, yo."

"Wait," Soren said. "Can you pick locks?"

"Fifty gold per lock, yo," Volke replied.

"Fine," Ike announced. "Pick the locks right now. We'll pay you."

**Map Clear: Escape**

This level always takes me like, five hours to do. I'm only putting the main conversations.

Righto, so, the first guy we meet is old Sephiran, a "monk". This guy has awesome stats, but you NEVER get to fight with him. Gr.

Ike walked up and poked Sephiran.

Sephiran glared at him. "That's NOT a way to greet someone."

"Well, we're here to rescue you."

"Uh…hi, I'm Sephiran and I'm a pilgrim. Don't mind me."

"Okay, well, um, bye!"

Well, of course, Ike and his stupidity got them all caught. He randomly burst out into song, "Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? Or ask a grinning bob cat why he grinned? Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?"

He sang. BADLY. The guards immediately came and started to beat Ike. Titania and Soren had to save him.

"You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, huh?" Soren asked angrily.

"But the music was in me! I had to sing!!!" Ike squealed.

So, basically after a bit more of fighting, are green haired, soon to be Paladin discovers his long lost rival.

"OSCAAAAR!!!" Kieran, the red haired axe knight screamed as he attacked poor, unsuspecting Oscar. Ike had to pull him off.

Behind him, a big, fat, ugly, slow, weak, dim witted…fat knight named Brom boomed. "Get me out of here! I don't like torture!!" Well of course he didn't. He was too fat!

Then of course, they met Nephenee, who…didn't say anything besides, "Dot dot dot…"

Outside of this stupid castle, (just for the record, that place took me 24 turns) there was a huge reunion. Sephiran killed Elincia and stormed off in anger, Brom began eating the grass, Kieran started beating up poor Oscar and Nephenee…just stood there.

Titania poked Ike. "She's kind of weird."

Ike stood there a few seconds. "I feel the need to sing…"

"NO!" The mercenaries, who kill people, screamed.

Soren tore off some of Elincia's hair and used it to gag Ike. Elincia, being so preppy, began to scream at her hair loss and killed herself with Volke's knife. There were no tears, just laughter.

Zelda: Next Chapterone word:

**Zihark**

**Zihark is AWESOME**


	12. Zihark's Apparance!

Chapter 11:

Blood Runs Red…How Pleasant…

Ranulf was covered in a brown cloak. "This is Toha, Crimea's port city."

Ike looked around. "War! War! Dear Ashera, its war! You're all going to die! Your children will die! Your houses will burn and your very way of life will suffer!"

All of the people in the town looked up at Ike, blinked, and then continued going about their business.

"You moron," Ranulf hissed. "This place is isolated."

Soren shook his head. Then he said a long, depressing speech. Read this carefully, it's the BEST speech in the game. "Ignorance is a form of bliss, is it not? These people don't know what it's like to lose a war. They don't want to know. Crimea as a nation has always been blessed by peace. Perhaps this is due to the temperament of its rulers, but the country hasn't seen serious warfare for centuries. While minor skirmishes with the kingdom of Daein have been legion, only the eastern borderlands have taken damage. Humans are shameless creatures that carelessly ignore any misfortune which does not befall them directly. They can--and often do—turn a blind eye to all manner of wickedness so long as it does not touch them or their kin. They will bow their heads, condemning those victims for bringing calamity upon themselves and then they will cast their eyes toward heaven in thanks while their neighbours lay dying around them. When the Daein army darkens their doorsteps, perhaps they will understand. When the peace they take for granted is shattered, and their sons and daughters slaughtered in the streets. Perhaps then will they comprehend the misfortunes they so long pretended not to see. I have no sympathy for them."

Ranulf and Ike blinked. "Uh…"

"Wow, he's all about happiness and rainbows, isn't he?" Ranulf asked.

"No, that's Rolf. Soren likes sad things," Ike responded.

"You moron! I was being sarcastic!" Ranulf hissed.

"What's sarcastic mean?" Ike inquired.

Ranulf sighed. "Ike…why haven't your mercenaries, who kill people, slaughtered you yet?"

Ike blinked. "What does slaughtered mean?"

Titania stepped in. "Give up, Ranulf. He's…an idiot…"

"Well," Ranulf said. "I must meet with a man about a ship. You guys…go mess with your supplies. And Ike, DON'T be an idiot for once in your life."

Ike saluted. "Oh Captain, My Captain!"

Ranulf sighed and left.

So, after a little bit of preparing, the group was ready to set out.

"IIIke!" Ike twitched at that shriek. It was Elincia.

"Y-Yes, Elincia?" Ike began to take a few steps back.

She bashed her eyelashes. "Are you ready to go?"

"Uh…sure…" Ike was getting uncomfortable. Even Ike, with his low mental capacity, thought that the princess was an idiot.

"Look out!" Suddenly, an axe flew through the air, straight at Ike's head.

"Oh look! Dirt!" Ike bent down to examine it. Thus, causing the axe to hit Elincia. And, the impact was so hard, that she actually flew across the country, into Daein territory, where she landed at the feet of King Ashnard. Her body was mangled and an axe with through her skull.

But what did King Ashnard do to Elincia's dead body?

I'm sorry, but I cannot release that information to you.

Anyway, back to Ike. As he was inspecting the ground, he heard a noise and looked up. A bunch of Daein soldiers were standing there screaming things about killing the Crimean army. They also said that the ports are closed, which wasn't good news for Ike's group.

Ranulf came over. "Hey, things are heating up. We need to sneak to the harbour. There's a man named Nasir there. I'm not going with you however."

"Aw…" Ike moaned. "I wanted another kitty."

Suddenly, a woman ran buy and knocked off Ranulf's hood. She screamed, "SUB-HUMAN!!!"

A bunch of people came over and started kicking Ranulf.

Mordecai and Lethe came over and started to drag Ike away. But, Ike ran screaming, "DON'T HURT THE KITTY!!!" into the mob of people.

The villagers began to get angry and called over the Daein soldiers to attack.

**But…somewhere in a house…**

The Black Knight a.k.a Dot Dot Dot Man was sitting on a bed, polishing his sword. "I love you, my sweet sword…" He then lifted his helmet, put the sword to his lips and…whoa…ew…

General Mackoya walked in. "Er…um…" He immediately left.

**Map Clear: Arrive**

On this map, is one of the coolest characters: Zihark. He is so awesome. Well, anyway, Lethe ran up and killed a soldier. And that's when Zihark spotted her.

"Die!!" Lethe screamed.

"Hold it, please. I am no threat to you laguz," the silver haired man said. He had a deep mellow voice.

Lethe's eyes widened. "Did you just call me a laguz?"

"Yes. I only joined this group to help you laguz flee. Here, I promise to distract the townspeople while you escape."

"I can't trust you."

"How about I kill off these vigilantes for you? Will that change your mind?"

"Huh?" Lethe was a bit weirded out.

"One? Two? How many? I'll kill them all if you want."

Lethe hissed. "Quiet! Why, why would you…"

"I just want to help."

"Fine."

"I shall join the group as well."

"What?"

"What's your name?"

"Lethe, but-

"That's a good name."

"What? No! That's-

"I'm Zihark. Well met! Oh, we'd better hurry now, huh?"

"Wait! Stop! You weirdo!"

Ah, we've got one of the most awesome units in the game. Yay!

Anyway, the battle raged on. And now with Zihark fighting, it's a little easier.

But, the Black Knight was supposed to come here. Did he? No. He…uh…he was doing other things. Yeah…

Also! There was a young girl named Jill who appeared. She shook her Commander awake. "Commander Haar! Awaken!"

"Mm? Mm. Let's not skip rope, grandma…" he said. And then he fell back asleep.

Jill sighed. "Moron." Jill flew out and waited for someone to attack her.

But no one did.

Thankfully.

Well, anyway, they made it to the ship and sailed away on their trip to Begnion. But when everyone was gone, the Black Knight poked his head outside of the house. "Hm…everyone's gone." He looked at his sword and grinned. "We're alone again, my sweet. What do you say? Another round?" He stared at his sword for a few seconds. "Oh, you're a wild one." The Black Knight gave a freaky laugh and went back in the house.

Quite frankly, I'm disturbed.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

A Strange Land…with Birds!

Well, according to Nasir, the trip to Begnion will take two months. Ugh, can you imagine being with Ike and Elincia for two months? I would die…

Soren twitched. "Kill…me…"

Ike hugged Soren. "Do you believe in magic?" He sang.

Soren started beating Ike with his spell book. "DIE!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!"

Nasir sighed. "Wonderful. I'm surrounded by half-wits."

Zihark shook his head. "So am I…"

Oscar pointed to Soren. "Actually, Soren's sane and smart, but he just, hates Ike. A lot."

"Do all of you?" Nasir asked.

"Well, most of us," Oscar replied. "Except Mist, Rolf, Mia, Ilyana, and Elincia."

Soren stopped beating Ike and walked over to the group. "What's this about Elincia? Are you telling Nasir about how stupid she is?"

Oscar shook his head no. "No. We're telling him who hates Ike and who doesn't. But, that is a good suggestion Soren. Nasir, would you like to hear about the princess?"

Nasir blinked. "She's a well-manner, civil, intelligent, young lady, right?"

"That's what I thought," Zihark added.

Oscar and Soren started laughing. "Yeah right!"

"Except for the young lady part, you're completely wrong!" Oscar said, still laughing.

"Let me tell you about the horrors of that accursed princess…" Soren began.

Well, while Soren did that, Ike was parading around the ship, singing, when…

"You're really off-key," a small voice said.

Ike whipped around. "Who's there? REVEAL YOURSELF, VILE VERMIN!!!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," the small voice replied.

Out of a dark corner came a young, green haired boy.

"STATE YOUR NAME!!!" Ike screamed.

"Whoa, calm yourself. The name's Soothe," he responded. "I'm a thief!"

"Hmph…a thief," Ike started circling him like a wolf.

"What are you, some kind of moron?" Soothe asked.

"Yes. Well, why are you on this ship?"

"I'm looking for someone, okay? I just…jumped on this ship with nowhere else to go."

"So…do you need me to hire you?"

"Huh?"

"You know…I can…make you steal stuff and kill people."

Soothe shrugged. "Well, I ain't got anything else to do. So sure! I will!"

After getting supplies and stuff, Ike stepped outside.

Nasir walked up to him. "Ike, we're being pursued by pirates."

Ike looked around. "Where are the pirate ships? And the rubber man with the straw hat?!"

Nasir blinked. "Uh…look up."

Ike looked down. Nasir had to lift up Ike's head. "Oo! Look at the pretty birdies!"

"IKE, YOU FOOL!!!" Titania yelled. "THOSE ARE LAGUZ!!!"

"Ravens from Kilvas," Soren said. "Their black wings are supposed to be a bad omen."

"So, you saw them?" Ike asked.

"Yes," Titania replied. "Soren and I saw them when we were discussing our plans."

"Or were you two…uh…what did Elincia ask me to do that one time? Make…out? Yeah! That's it! You two were doing that!" Ike yelled.

Soren and Titania twitched. Soren slapped Ike one way and Titania slapped him the other. "Moron!" They both screamed.

"Ike!" Soren yelled. "I don't love!"

"Yeah!" Titania screamed. "And my heart belongs to Greil! Wait…he's dead." She stomped her feet. "You're so hurtful!" She started crying and ran off.

"Hey, uh, we're caught on a reef," Nasir said.

Soren pointed at the ravens. "They're coming…"

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!" Ike screamed.

**Map Clear: Rout**

Everyone stayed in tight formation. They had such small moving space.

"OW!" Boyd screamed. "Rhys! You stepped on my foot!"

"Shut your mouth you green haired oaf!" The priest screamed. "You stepped on my foot!"

"Oh did I now? You blanket obsessed bed wetter!"

Rhys gasped. "You take that back this instant!"

"Make me!"

"Fine! How about I don't heal you?"

"Fine! I don't need your filthy staff!"

"Good! Because it doesn't need you!"

"That didn't make since you moron!"

"I'm not a moron! You're a moron, moron!"

"Yeah…well…your mom!"

"Silence!" Mordecai bellowed. "Shut your mouths or I'll claw your eyes out!"

"Nice threat, Mordecai!" Oscar said.

Kieran tackled Oscar. "YOU WILL BE INFERIOR TO ME!!! BWAHAHAH!!!"

Ike was chewing on his sword. Lethe screamed, "Ike! Do you know where that's been?"

Ike shrugged and continued chewing.

Soren sighed. "It's official. These tight quarters have made us all crazy…"

Titania started singing. "I'm singing in the rain! Just singing in the rain! What a glorious feeling, I'm hap-hap-happy again!"

Soren slapped his forehead. "Yeah…we're all crazy…"

Jill rode up on her wyvern. "Uh…" she stared at Ike and his company. "Is it just me or are they all morons? Oh well! I'll just slowly ride up to them and stare at a picture of Haar." She pulled out a picture of Haar. "Aw…you're so cute when you're sleepy." Well, Jill's slowly making her way up to Ike this entire time. I never use Jill so…yeah…

Well…Ike and Jill talk, Jill joins.

One more thing, Oscar, promotes into a Paladin! Now, he starts to become much more uber than Titania!

"HEY!!" Titania yelled. "I'm a tank! A taaank!"

Heh, not anymore.

And Ike and co. win the battle. But! They're still stuck on the reef!

And of course, this angered Ike and he ran onto the land.

"Like, O-M-G! Brother! Don't leave the ship!" Mist yelled.

"Too bad!" Ike responded, looking around for someone to help.

"Fool…" a soldier came up behind Ike. "What are you doing? This is Goldoan territory!"

"Wait!" Ike said. "Our ship has run aground!"

"Then return to your ship and die there," the soldier growled.

"You can't do this!"

"You will not be warned a second time." Suddenly, all of the soldiers turned into dragons.

"Whoa…giant lizards…" Ike said in awe.

"Fools! Stop this!" A voice called.

The soldiers reverted as a boy dressed…uh…well he was dressed, appeared.

"Eep! The prince!" They all cowered.

The boy turned to Ike. "Sorry, they were being discourteous."

Ike blinked. "Dis…court…teous…"

"I am Kurthnaga, prince of Goldoa, you half witted twit," the boy said.

"Well, um, our ship is caught, can you help us?"

"Fine, fine," the prince responded. "Just get off of my land. Your lack of intellect gives me a migraine." He snapped and all of the dragons transformed and moved the ship off of the reef.

"Hey, um, can I ask you one more thing?" Ike inquired nervously.

"If it'll get you out of my country, I'll do anything."

"Uh, we need food and water. Could you do that?"

"Fine, it shall be done." He clapped and they began to load supplies onto Ike's ship. "Now, please. Leave."

Ike waved. "Good-bye, Dragon people!"

"Moron…" he grumbled.

Zelda: Alright, I thought that I should say this. Most of us know that Soren is a Branded, right? And, that Nasir is a dragon. Well, Nasir AND Soren left when the dragons came. This, seems to prove my theory that one of Soren's parents had to be a dragon. And compare Soren and Kurthnaga, their eyes are kind of alike, aren't they? Well, I'm not sure if any of you agree, but, whatever. I just needed to say that.

**Gatrie comes back in the next chapter.**

**Ew…**


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

Return of the Pervert

Ike was looking around in the lower cabins when suddenly…

"Well, well! If it isn't our commander! What brings you down here?" A girl with black hair and a pink cloak asked. Her voice had a French accent.

"I was on my way to the deck," Ike replied.

"Oh…zat's TOO BAD…" the girl place her hand on Ike's shoulder. "I had a story I wanted to share with you."

"A story?" Ike asked.

"Oui. Interested?"

"Nope!"

"Oh, you are so rude! And after you were so sweet ze other day!"

Ike blinked and titled his head in confusion. Like he always was.

She began to get dramatic. "When those crows attacked, I had wanted to see what zey looked like, so I was hiding on ze deck, watching. I had heard zey could fly, but I had no idea zey could fight! I thought one of zem had ze drop on you, and I couldn't help myself! I screamed at you, I screamed, 'Commander, watch out!'"

Ike blinked some more. "That was you?"

"Oui, and upon hearing my sweet voice, you turned and brought down zat crow!"

"Um…yeah…"

"And zat's when you first caught my eye, my dynamic young commander!" She grabbed Ike's hand and giggled. "Mon nom est Aimee!"

Ike had no idea what was happening, so, he grabbed Aimee's other hand and giggled as well. Then, he left.

"Je t'aime!" She yelled and then swooned.

Ha! Ike has some crazy French lady obsessed with him! This will be good…

"Ike, there's an envoy from the empress," Nasir shook Ike out of his usual trances.

"Huh? What? Oh. Okay," Ike shook off the sleep.

Soren blinked. "Uh…"

Elincia spazzed out. "You're just going to say something rude!!! DON'T SPEAK!!!"

Soren glared. "Brainless wench…"

Anyway, they all went up to the deck where they met Tanith. "Is this the uh…beast?" she asked.

"BEAST!!" Elincia screamed.

Ike blinked. "Uh…well…why are you here?"

"I'm here to take the rabid animal to the apostle," Tanith answered.

"Well, we are her escorts," Ike said. "We'll be coming too."

"Fine," Tanith responded.

One of Tanith's knights poked her. "The apostle is missing."

"WHAT?! YOU FOOLS!!!" She hopped on her Pegasus and rode toward a ship.

"Well, we should help," Soren proposed. "Then, they'll be in our debt. Muahahah…"

So, they went.

There were three ships lined up. One was of the enemy, the other was the apostle's, and they last one was Ike's.

But something was weird about the middle ship…

There was a man in blue armour, with his arm around a girl on a horse.

"Ah, Lady Astrid," Gatrie said with his perverted smile that he usually had around women. "I shall be your shield! Just stand close. Reeeaaaally close. And feel free to throw your arms around me if you get scared."

**Map Clear: Defend of 10 turns**

A man…well…raven man, dressed in all black and had blue hair flew up to one of the enemy archers. "Sup," he said coolly. "So, are my soldiers like, proving useful?" He smoothed back his hair.

"King Kilvas!" The archer screamed. "Everything's going wrong!"

"Well," he crossed his arms. "That boat that just sailed up has the princess."

"I DON'T CARE!!! STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!" The archer screamed.

"Just call me if you need me!" he sang.

Ike ran up to Astrid. "Hey…who was that guy you were with?"

"Oh Gatrie?" she asked. "He protects me."

"Well, why don't you join up with us? We'll protect you!"

She shrugged. "Fine. I don't care. Just do me a favour and keep Gatrie away from me. He…uh…tries to do stuff to me that I consider harassment."

Ike blinked. "Okay! Yay!"

Well, a few minutes later…

"Eep…" Astrid backed away from the blue armoured knight that had a perverted grin plastered on his face.

"Eheh…well, lookie here. Lady Astrid wants me to arouse her with my muscles again."

Astrid made a stern face. "No! I want you to join me in Ike's army!"

"Oh…you want me to follow you just in case you are lonely one night…"

She glared. "Just shut up and listen to Ike!"

Gatrie swooned. "You're so cute when you're angry."

Astrid slapped him and rode off.

"Little does she know, I'm a masochist! Bwahahah!"

After the death of Norris, Naesala, the King of Kilvas sighed. "Man, am I bored," he announced, running his fingers through his hair. "Let's just steal the treasure and like, hit the road, man." He snapped and his ravens entered steal mode.

Although…somewhere else…

Goodness, this level has a lot of conversations everywhere.

Okay…well…somewhere else, the Hawk King beat his wings. "Hm…a battle. Janaff, tell me what you see."

Janaff, a creepy looking hawk squinted. "Well, a bunch of ships. Two sides trying to kill each other."

Tibarn nodded. "Ulki, tell me what they are saying."

Ulki sighed. "Why? The world shall only go up in flames. My life is pointless." Ulki started crying.

Tibarn blinked. Janaff glared. "You moron! Just listen!"

"No! Life is pointless! Hearing is pointless!"

Janaff started yelling at Ulki and the two begun to bicker.

Tibarn grew angry. He grabbed the two hawk's head and clonked them together. "You imbeciles! Do you want me to go uber hawk on your little tail feathers and send you flying across the continent?"

The two cowered in fear and shook their heads.

"Now Ulki…" the Hawk King started.

"Yes sir!" Ulki concentrated. "…the apostle is…aboard the ship. And…coming to her aid are soldiers serving the Crimea's princess? They're mercenaries, who kill people."

Tibarn scowled. "Let's go back home. All of these people are foolish."

So, after a long, pointless battle, the Holy Guards arrived and cleared everyone out.

Everything was going fine until.

"DEAR ASHERA THE APOSTLE'S GONE!" Tanith screamed.

Ike ran down to meet her. "Again?" he asked.

"The blasted apostle slipped out of here on her own. Well, you guys, go look for her."

"Okay!" Ike squeaked. He ran for the door but hit the wall instead and passed out.

Titania slapped her forehead. "Idiot."

As Ike was lying there, he felt someone tapping his head. "Hello? Are you dead?"

Ike opened his eyes, he found himself staring into brown eyes and purple hair was draped on his face. "DEAR ASHEAR IT'S THE UNDERWORLD!!!"

The girl blinked. "No, you're not dead. You're just a moron."

Ike sat up. "And who might you be, little girl?"

She blinked. "Well, I'm the-

Titania walked in. "There you are, Ike! Who's the little girl?"

Ike shrugged. "I don't know…"

"I'm not a little girl! I'm empress Sanaki, empress of Begnion!" the girl said.

Ike blinked.

"Empress!" A blue haired knight named Sigrun appeared. "I'm sorry!"

"You're late!" Sanaki snapped.

"I'm sorry…" Sigrun sighed.

"Whatever." She pointed to Ike. "You! Airhead! You are invited to visit our court! And the stupid princess as well!"

Ike saluted. "I shall fetch her!" He ran to the door to the cabins, but once again, ran into a wall and passed out.

Titania and Soren sighed. "Moron."


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

Training…Oooo…

**Some weird…place…with aristocrats…**

Sanaki was wiping the blood of her hands while many dead Elincia bodies were around her. "Ahem. Now that's out of my system. Let's see…you proclaimed to be the orphan of King Ramon, right?"

"ORPHAN!!!" Elincia began to cry. "I MUST CUT MYSELF!!!"

Sanaki grew irritated and stabbed Elincia. This makes Sanaki: 1083, Elincia: …dead…  
Anyway, Elincia spawned back again and answered. "Yes."

"Well, quite frankly, I don't believe that some wench in clashing colours could possibly be the princess of Crimea."

Ike began to shake Sanaki. "YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN FLY, EMPRESS!!!"

Sanaki slapped Ike. "Don't touch me. And I take it that you will vouch for her?"

Ike blinked. "…vouch…?"

Sanaki sighed. "It means you swear that she is the princess, you moron."

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"And tell me, what gives you this strength of conviction?"

"Con…viction…?"

Sanaki sighed again. "This is going to nowhere fast. All right…" Sanaki spoke slowly. "Ike. Why do you think Elincia is the princess?"

He shrugged. "Daein is after her. And they demand we turn her over to them."

Sanaki gasped. "You said demand! That's the highest word I've heard out of you that you used correctly!"

Ike smiled. "My father always said I had the brain of a half-eaten badger!"

"I'm sure you do. Now, um, well, I can't accept that from a commoner. So…I can't believe you."

Ike got mad and tackled Sanaki. Big mistake. Sanaki threw him across the room, into a pillar, and began to strike him. "Moron! Sephiran was right! You have no brain whatsoever!"

Ike stopped screaming to ask, "Sephiran? That monk?"

Sanaki stopped beating him. "A monk? He likes to disguise himself. But, actually, he's Duke Belsys, prime minister of Begnion. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I was just testing you guys. I know she's the princess, I just got bored."

Just then, the air turned cold, everyone shudder, for in walked: Duke Tanas! Also known as Oliver, the sick twisted fat guy who…well…you'll see later. But never run into this guy in a dark alley! You will never come back. Well, filled purity and pleasant thoughts, anyway. "Ah, apostle! That is so much like you!"

Ike blinked. "You are…a meanie face, apostle!" Then, he ran out crying.

Titania caught him in the hall. "Ike, you realize, anyone who insults the apostle dies a horrid death. You're lucky to be alive."

Soren sighed. "If only the apostle killed him…"

Oscar patted Soren on the back. "Maybe next time, Soren…"

Ike sniffled. "Ah, well, let's all go to the rooms they have made for us…"

So anyway. After a little while of setting his things down, Ike went out for a walk, but was caught by Gatrie.

"Well, if it isn't Ike!" He said. "Out for a walk, eh?"

Ike nodded. "Yes! I love the fresh air! It makes me want to sing!" Then, he began to sing. "The hills are alive! With the sound of music!"

Gatrie poked Ike. "Psst! Ike! Look at those flowers!"

Ike looked around. "Flowers? Where?"

Gatrie pointed to the temple handmaidens. "THOSE flowers…"

Ike blinked. "But…they're just women…"

Gatrie gasped. "JUST women?! Are you insane?! They're beautiful! I would just love to hit one with a vase, knock 'em out, and drag them back to my room, you know what I mean?" Ike was gone. "Bah! He's still just a boy. Once he gets older he'll understand…"

Ew. Anyway, after they got their supplies ready, Mist ran up to Ike.

"Like, totally O-M-G, brother! I am like, so booooored!"

That's when Sigrun came in. "Do you all like your rooms?"

"Mist is bored," Ike responded bluntly.

"Like, O-M-G!" Mist screamed.

"Well, um," Sigrun continued. "The apostle wishes to charge you with a task…"

"Yaaay!" Ike squealed.

**Later, somewhere else…**

"I didn't expect this. I thought you would complain, Ike," Titania said.

Ike sighed. "I don't care. The apostle sucks."

"You sound like Shinon," Soren walked in on the conversation. "Oh, and enemies are coming to kill us all."

"Yay!" Ike yelled. "Ambuuuuush!"

**Map Clear: Defeat Boss**

The enemies were about as smart as Ike, so they weren't that hard to kill. Although, somewhere on the map there was a Horse Knight with pink hair named Makalov. But you know what? I hate him so much. I never even used him, nor did I want to. I just got him for the sake of getting him. I hate this guy so much that he's not even going to get the small honour of speaking in my story! We're excluding that stupid conversation of Marcia calling him a cheese eating rat and beating him to a bloody pulp.

Anyway, they're mission was to kill the Peddlers and seize the cargo. Which they did and they returned to the weird…palace place in which I forget the name of.

"Hey, um, Sigrun?" Ike asked as Sigrun was talking to them about their payment. "What was in the cargo?"

Tanith stepped in. "Shut up and take the money, moron!"

"Very weeell…" Ike sighed.

**Do to the insanely long speeches and many character appearances, the following scene in which all of the important laguz appear and talk, has been…well…taken out. All you need to know is the relationship between Reyson, the heron prince, and Naesala, the Raven King. That very relationship is the next big problem the Greil Mercenaries, who kill people, must face. So, all you Reyson fangirls out there, you're little Heron Prince is coming very shortly.**

**And on a minor, yet better note, Stefan, the uber, pwnful, insanely strong Swordsmaster is coming in the next chapter. And I'll give you a hint with his personality:**

**He likes swords.**

**Welcome to Cornelia, my friends.**


	16. Stefan's Appearance!

Chapter 15:

The Fangirls Will Love This Chapter…

**Actually about the title…fangirls…I am severely messing up Reyson. Muahahah…**

**Anyway, at some palace… **

Some creepy old raven stood before a man with long blonde flowing hair and huge white wings.

"Ah! Prince Serenes! How nice-

The man, whose name was Reyson, cut him off. "What is the attack power of that stick you are randomly holding in your hand?"

"Uh…" the ugly festering bird started. What was his name? Oh yeah, Nealuchi. What a stupid name. Can you tell I hate this guy yet? "Well, um, why?"

"Why? WHY?" Reyson shook the bird. "I HAVE LEVEL 2 DEFENSE!!!! I COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT!!!!"

"Well, I suppose it COULD kill you." Big mistake, old guy.

"NOOOOO!!!" Reyson fell to the ground. "DON'T KILL ME!!!"

Naesala sighed. "Reyson, the guy couldn't kill you if he tried…"

Reyson leaped up. "Really? Okay!"

Naesala pushed the old bird out the window. "And look, the bad man's gone. So, why are you here?"

"Well, you provoked Tibarn. I want to know why."

"Hm…well…I COULD tell you. But I'd rather show you! THROUGH INTERPRETED DANCE!!!"

Naesala began to do some bizarre dance moves. Reyson just stood there, blinking and blinking and blinking. Finally, he grew bored and bit the raven king on one of his wings. Naesala screamed bloody murder and tried to shake Reyson off, but Reyson only clenched his teeth harder.

**About an hour later…**

Naesala grew tired and stopped running around like a crazed psychopath. Reyson pulled his teeth out of Naesala's wing and wiped the blood from them.

"Okay…okay…" Naesala said through his gasps. "I'll tell you…"

"No, I'm bored with you." Reyson sighed. "I'm leaving…" The Heron Prince pranced out of the room.

A soldier came in. "King Naesala! Duke Tanas is here!"

"Bring him in."

Naesala suddenly shuddered with chill as a walking bloated sea cow waddled into the room. No, my mistake. That's stupid Oliver.

The fat man was giggling creepily. "W-was that a Serenes noble? Those dazzling white wings. And that shimmering hair, sparkling like falling gold dust…" he giggled some more. "That is the crystallization of beauty in its purest form-

Naesala had a look of disgust on his face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's discuss the business at hand. We have your artwork for you to buy…"

"Yes, yes, but right now there is something else that I simply must have..."

Naesala blinked. "What is it?"

"Oh, but surely you have already guessed…"

We now zoom out from the castle. Silence coming from it. Then…

"YOU PERVERT!!! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT TO REYSON??? …you're paying me how much now? Well…maybe I COULD look into it…"

**Back at the Cathedral…**

"Tiiiiitaaaaniaaaa!" Ike's irritating voice rang out through the halls. "We have another joby-woby to doooo!!"

Soren slammed Ike over the head with a vase. "If you EVER say that again I will kill you in the most slowest and painful way ever imagined!"

"Ow…I think you broke my brain…"

"YOU HAVE NO BRAIN!!"

Anyway, after Soren beat Ike until he passed out. They all waltzed into the desert. This, is where Stefan lurks. The uber awesome Stefan.

Now, Ike was too busy singing Arabian Nights, so Zihark asked this.

"Soren, are you all right?"

"Hm…?" Soren was staring off.

"You seem…more depressed than usual…"

"Well, uh, nothing's bother me."

"Are you sure?"

Soren stared off into the distance.

"Soren?"

"Huh? Oh…uh…I was thinking. Who's dying now? I hope it's Ike…"

Zihark was about to pester Soren more when a boy cloaked in orange appeared. What is with the orange? Has Elincia taken over the clothing business here?

"Love is orange!" Ike screamed. Rhys whacked Ike on the back on the head with his staff.

Anyway, the boy cried out. "Who are you?"

Ike piped up happily. "We're mercenaries, who kill people! We were hired to take care of a group of bandits!"

"Gaaaah! We will not be defeated! KILL THEM ALL!!!"

A bunch of laguz ran out.

"Kitties! Birdies! Yaaay!" Ike had to be held back by Titania so he wouldn't get killed. Too bad.

**Map Clear: Defeat Boss**

**Oh! Music change!**

Okay, so while the two tanks, Oscar and Titania, were slaughtering everything in sight, Lethe ran up to a part of the map.

People who have no idea who this Stefan person is, I'll tell you.

But I'm not a walkthrough person!

You move Lethe or Mordecai, well, I personally think the conversation between Lethe and Stefan is funnier, but anyway, starting from the **TOP RIGHT CORNER** of the map, you move your laguz **TWO SQUARES LEFT AND ONE SQUARE DOWN FROM THAT CORNER**. Got it?

Okay, back on task. Lethe ran up to the top right part of the map, when suddenly…

Lethe stuck her nose in the air. "Hm…I smell something…"

A tall, green haired man appeared behind her. "Hiya!" He said happily.

Lethe spazzed and whipped around. "Where did you come from?"

"Oops…sorry…I scared you," the man tried to look sorry but, he wasn't very good at it. He was laughing at how he scared Lethe.

"Who are you?" Lethe hissed.

The man popped her on the head with his sheathe. "Why, you're being impolite, my dear. Isn't it supposed to be the proper thing to introduce yourself first before asking someone's name?"

"Fine," Lethe responded, rubbing her head. "I'm…Lethe. From Gallia."

"And I…am Stefan! I like swords! I live here in this desolate wasteland, playing at being a hermit. Whee!" He replied happily.

"Er…" she stepped away from him. "Why are you standing there staring at me?"

Stefan snatched her wrist. "I'm interested in Gallia's beast tribes. I have an idea! Let's go somewhere private and talk!"

Lethe tore her herself away from him. "What are you, some kind of a pervert pedophile?"

Stefan blinked and scratched his head in confusion. "A…what?"

"Well, whatever! I'm in a middle of a battle so leave me alone!"

"A battle? With swords? Ah, then if there's swords involved, I will help you. Then you and I will talk!"

"I…guess…"

"Righto! Off we go then!"

Lethe slapped her forehead. "Why? Why is it always me who finds the crazed swordsman?"

Stefan smiled. "Swoooords…"

Well, for the rest of the time, Lethe had to listen to all of the ways a sword can kill someone. Stefan could write a book: "1538 Ways to Kill Someone with a Sword." …I'd buy it…

Oh well…after the battle, they stood before Muarim, the boss.

"I admit defeat…" he said.

"Are you the leader?" Ike asked.

"Yes."

"NO!" the same orange clothed boy appeared. "Leave him alone!"

"Stay back. You'll die…"

"If you want him, kill me first!"

"Uh…" Ike blinked. "What's going on…?"

So they explained all about Begnion's history of keeping laguz as slaves…

Everyone understood except Ike. They explained it to him five times, until Soren decided to use force and knock it into Ike.

**Somewhere else…**

"Where are you taking me, Naesala?" Reyson asked.

"You'll see when we get there!"

In was Serenes Forest. The burned, desolate, Serenes Forest.

Well, we COULD watch a nervous breakdown from Reyson. But, unless anyone out there has earmuffs that they could lend to everyone, I won't be able to let you see it.

Afterwards, Naesala earned Reyson's trust and convinced him to come to a villa that belongs to a noble. Do you see the problem yet?

"I'll find us something to eat, you can make yourself comfortable." Naesala walked outside and made sure he was away from Reyson. "Is everything in place?"

The soldier nodded. "Yes. Duke Tanas cannot sit still. He's quivering with anticipation."

"Make sure he stays hidden. Reyson will fly away if he sees that mountain of suet…"

"Understood…sir…" The soldier left.

"Enjoy your new home, old friend…"

**Evil, isn't he? Oh well. The next chapter is where you'll REALLY see how much of a freak Duke Oliver is. That fat piece of lard…**


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16:**

**Attack of the Obsessive Pervert! …with a neat theme song…**

Reyson was spazzing as an obese walrus shuffled into the room. No. My mistake again. That's just Oliver. "What is this? Who are you? What have you done with Naesala?"

"Oh…oooo…" Oliver brought out his shaky, fat hand and touched a single feather on Reyson's wing. Then, he shuddered with delight. "This is something everyone should see. There can be no doubt that I gaze upon the last living wonder of the Serenes royalty. Those golden locks! Witness how they gather in the morning sun and multiply its brilliance. The gentle lustre of those argent wings! Manifest proof of royalty, as sure as I am alive. Magnificent…absolutely magnificent. A true work of art wrought in flesh and feather. All the beauty…mine…the fortune I paid the raven king seems like a pittance compared to this treasure!"

Reyson stopped twitching enough to drop his jaw. "Naesala…sold me? To YOU?"

"Oh ho ho! You are exquisite, even in rage! Now, if you…eheh…fulfill my requests…I'll grant you a life of luxury…"

Reyson needed to hit him. BADLY. "Um…look! A painting of me…without my clothes!"

"THE GODDESS HAS BLESSED ME AGAIN!!!" Oliver turned around, and saw nothing. But when he turned back…

"PERVERT!"

BAM!

Reyson punched him square in the nose.

"OW! My nose! My beautiful nose!" Oliver cried.

A soldier came in. "YOU WINGED FREAK! YOU SHALL DIE!"

"No! You mustn't harm him! You mustn't ruffle a single feather of those gorgeous wings!" The soldier left. "My beauty, you mustn't be frightened." Oliver grabbed Reyson's hand. "In time, you will come to see how kind and charitable a master I can be." Then, the fat pig gave a perverted laugh.

Reyson began to try to chew his arm off.

"My beauty! Why are you trying to chew your arm off like a trapped coyote?"

"I HAVE A RIGHT AS A MAN TO SAY NO!!! My purity is mine and mine alone! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT TO SOME PERVERTED OVERWEIGHT WEIRDO!!!"

Oliver blinked, then let go of Reyson. "You're so delicious!"

Reyson started crying. "Oh goddess…not like this…I DON'T WANT IT THIS WAY!"

"Well, I must leave. Guards! Heed me! Do not raise a hand to this one. I want him nice and comfortable. But soon…it will be time for the both of us to be alone…"

Reyson fell to the ground. "DEAR GODDESS! WHY? WHY?"

"Goodbye my beautiful heron prince!" Oliver left.

The poor Heron prince retreated to the corner of the room and sucked his thumb. Then he sat in fetal position and rocked back and forth. "Hush little heron don't say a word…Tibarn's gonna buy you a mocking bird. And that mocking bird don't sing, Tibarn's gonna let it peck Oliver's eyes out." Reyson stopped for a second. "Does he even HAVE eyes?"

**Once again at the Cathedral…**

Well, Tormod, that kid in orange, had an argument with Sanaki about laguz slavery. Ike just stood there and chewed on his headband.

"Countless noble houses even keep laguz as servants or entertainment…or worse! And the senate does nothing!" Tormod screamed.

"Ike." Sanaki called. Ike continued to chew his headband. "Ike!" Ike still didn't listen. "IKE!" No answer. "SOREN!"

Soren ran in and whacked Ike with a chair. "Wake up, moron!"

Ike blinked. "Yes?"

"Why did you bring such an ill-mannered child to me? What are you planning?" Sanaki asked.

Ike said nothing.

"Ike, your line," Tormod pestered.

Still, Ike remained silent.

Soren growled. "FINE. Sanaki, why are you using us for these missions?"

Sanaki sighed. "All right. I know about the slavery and I'm going to do something about this. Ike, or actually, Soren. I need to you and your mercenaries, who kill people, to go Duke Tanas's villa and find out what he's doing."

Ike saluted and hugged Soren. "We get another joby-woby!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" Soren screamed. Sanaki and Tormod had to hold him back.

Anyway, at the base Ike and Stefan met.

"Uh…who are you?"

"I'm Stefan! I like swords!"

"Wow! You like swords? I like…bugs…and dirt…and trying to find my brain."

Stefan blinked, and then he sighed. "I can see where this is going. And, I'm already three steps ahead." Stefan then performed Astra, one of the most uber abilities, on Ike. Ike stood there for a few seconds, then passed out.

Soren was watching in the shadows. "Nice move," he said. "You seem…semi-sane…"

"As do you, my fine dark friend! I'm Stefan! I like swords!"

"Soren," the Mage replied.

Stefan stuck out his hand. "Let's be friends!"

Soren glared.

"…or…acquaintances…"

Soren nodded, and…well, he didn't smile, or smirk…he did something other than frown. Then, shook Stefan's hand.

Anyway, after that…

They all went to Oliver's villa.

"Halt!" shouted a guard. "Who goes there? What are you doing? No trespassing!"

"We have orders from the apostle," Ike replied.

The soldier gulped. "Wait one moment." And left.

Mist popped up. "Titania and I are going to sneak around the back and see what's up!"

"Okie dokie arti-"

Soren slapped Ike. "NO."

Then, Soren's eyes widened as the ground shook and Duke Tanas appeared. "You are here on the apostle's business?"

"Yup!" Ike squeaked.

"Very well, and what am I suspected of doing?"

"We will need to discuss this private matter inside," Soren replied.

"Okay! Please, come inside…"

**Later…**

"The apostle accuses me of slavery?" Oliver asked.

"Is that a no?" Ike asked, looking at one of Oliver's…disturbing…paintings.

"I've shown you every inch of my villa and you saw no trace of a laguz, right?"

Ike blinked. "Nope!"

"Then this accusation is absolutely ridiculous! There is not a shadow of falsehood in my noble eyes! Look into them deeply, my boy and tell me what you see…" Oliver moved VEEEERY close to Ike and began to…ew…not even Ike deserves that…

"I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT!!!" Ike kicked Oliver.

Soren shuddered. "Ike…let's leave. This man is…icky…"

Suddenly, a guard dragged in Mist.

"Ike! There was a birdman trying to fly out a window and the guards wouldn't let him!" she screamed.

Oliver grew nervous. "What is this child babbling about?"

"He had long hair and in all white!"

Titania nodded. "This is true!"

"Must be of the heron clan," Soren pointed out.

"Okay! We'll tell the apostle!" Ike said.

"Guards!" Oliver yelled. "Kill them all!"

**Map Clear: Seize**

Once again, there's another character I don't like: Devdan. I don't like this guy AT ALL. I never use him. I usually just get him for the sake of getting him.

So…he gets no speaking part.

…

Don't yell at me! The guy talks in third person! Like my old evil English teacher!

"Hey!" Rhys yelled. "You're not being a very good narrator!"

Oops…sorry. Anyway, with the help of the uber Stefan, Ike and his mercenaries, who kill people, were able to defeat their enemies.

Reyson was sitting in the corner, shaking in terror, when Oliver ran in.

"Oh, my sweet, beautiful little bird! Don't be frightened! Come, let us fly away together…" He said, reaching his hand out to Reyson.

Reyson glared. "Stay away from me, you filthy fat man!"

There was a flash of light, and then Reyson held his chest in pain.

Oliver grabbed Reyson. "Come quietly! You belong to me! No one shall take you from me…"

"Let go of me, you pervert!" Reyson screamed.

Bang! Bang!

"Olli Olli Oxen Free!" Ike screamed.

"Hey!" Boyd yelled. "That's MY line!"

"Nooo!" Oliver screamed and vanished.

Ike walked in. "Oh! A pretty birdie! Did that fat man hurt you?"

"St-Stay back!" Reyson screamed. "Do not approach me! Cursed human! You all are filthy, perverted creatures!"

When Ike returned, he searched for the apostle. When he found her, he demanded, through words of nonsense and idiocy of course, that she tell him what happened in Serenes Forest.

Of course, most of you know, right? Humans thought the herons killed their apostle, and burnt down Serenes Forest. That's basically the story, but Ike, being an "untutored wild monkey" as Sanaki put it, didn't understand it.

"So, one more time…" Nasir sighed.

"Forget it!" Sanaki exclaimed. "Ike! I want you to find that heron! I want to speak with him!"

"Okay!" Ike replied. "We'll kill Oliver too!"

**Ugh, just a little longer with that pervert Oliver. Then, he's going to die, most likely by the deadly power of Oscar.**


	18. Chapter 17 Part One

**Zelda: Okay, guys, this chapter is going to be split into two parts because it's so long.**

Chapter 17:

Worse Chapter in the World part 1

Well, at first it started off with a nice breakfast before Ike and his Mercenaries, who kill people, went to search for Prince Reyson and Oliver. All of the recruits sat at a long table along with Princess Elincia.

Oscar noticed Soren's…um…non depressed or angry mood. "Soren? Why are you so…um…chipper?"

"We're having fish today," Soren replied.

Zihark and Stefan were listening in. "Yeah? So?" Zihark asked.

"I requested pufferfish for our dear sweet, Commander."

The three of them blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Are you all idiots? Pufferfish, if eaten when not cut precisely, will kill you. So, I told the chefs that Ike adores pufferfish, and would pay them handsomely if they made it for him. They claimed to have pufferfish, but lost their ingredient card, which I ripped up. I pulled out a false ingredient card and handed it to them, saying that I found it in the hall. And now, when Ike takes that first bite, he'll die!"

Stefan blinked. "You've done this before, haven't you?"

"Many times…" Soren responded with a smirk.

And so, the chefs brought out all of the fish. Soren watched eagerly as the pufferfish was set down in front of Ike. He was just about to put a piece in his mouth when…

"Like, O-M-G, Ikey-poo!" Elincia squeaked. "Since we're like, totally lovers, we should like, share food!" Elincia picked up a piece of the fish and ate it.

Soren sighed. "She ruined it!"

A few moments later, Elincia fell over and died. Then, re-spawned in the corner.

"That was good! I want more!" She then began to eat more of it. Continuously dying in between.

"Note to self: Make sure Elincia is out of the way before attempting to kill Ike," the Mage groaned.

Anyway, after they stacked up on supplies. The group went to Serenes Forest.

"Ike," Soren called.

Ike was eating a branch,

"Ike!" Soren called again.

Ike didn't respond.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" The Mage, soon to be Sage, began beating Ike with his Elthunder book.

Nasir pulled Soren off. "Ike! We're approaching a large clearing. I think we should have the apostle and some of the others wait there."

"Okay!" Ike responded and pranced over to the apostle and the stupid Princess. "Wait here!"

They nodded and watched Ike skip off.

**Somewhere else…**

"Where's my precious bird?" Oliver was having a nervous breakdown. "I neeeed hiiiim…"

"Uh…" a soldier started. "That blue haired moron is here."

"Kill them!" Oliver screamed and waddled off to look for poor Reyson.

**Map Clear: Rout**

Well, the only thing that was important about this battle was that Soren promoted! He's now a Sage! Yaaay!

This battle was relatively pointless. Aw, who am I kidding? This battle was EXTREMELY pointless. The only thing any of you really missed was Stefan going all Astra on everyone's butts.

Ike was frustrated. "Stupid…soldiers…"

"Get used to them," Soren said. "This guy must have a lot."

Titania hit Ike on the back of the head. "Call in reinforcements!"

Ike rubbed his head. "…oh…o-okay…"

**Somewhere else…**

Tibarn looked around. "What was that?"

Ulki sighed. "Another gust of wind on the sad outlook of life. Someone…kill me. My life is pointless. Why am I alive?"

Janaff hit Ulki on the head. "Cut it out, you depressed bag of feathers!"

Ulki started crying. "Living has no meaning! We all live to die! Die I say! Painful, meaningless deaths that cause the world more and more depression! Soon, we shall all die painful suicidal deaths and the earth shall be barren of life!"

"Ulki, you moron! You have to embrace life!" Janaff screamed.

"Death!"

"Life!"

"Death!"

"Life!"

"Death!"

"Life!"

"ENOUGH!!" Tibarn roared, turning into his hawk form. "Look at this! Look at this! I'm going to get a critical hit and kill you both! RAWR!"

"Eep!" The two squeaked.

"That sound came from the northeast. Let's go."

**Back to Ike…**

Ike looked around. "I wonder where we should go…"

Mordecai punched Ike in the back. "Let's go to the northeast."

"Okaay!" Ike sang.

**Over to Reyson…**

"Cursed humans! They shall all die!" he screamed. "I will go to the altar and use the forbidden magic to destroy the humans!!! Bwahahah-" Reyson fell over in a coughing fit. "Note to self: never laugh evilly…"

**Map Clear: Arrive**

Another extremely pointless battle. Skiiiippiiiing…

"Split up!" Ike screamed. "Heh…split…"

Soren blinked. "What's so funny about the word 'split'?"

Ike started laughing.

The Sage sighed. "Moronic commander…"


	19. Part 2

**And now part 2!**

Elincia was waiting with Sanaki and Sigrun.

"I'm like, so totally hot!" the princess exclaimed, fanning herself.

Sanaki sighed. "Go jump in that lake."

"Okay!" Elincia replied, running to the lake. She took off her shoes and waded into the water. Suddenly, she shrieked in pain. "MY FOOT!!! I STEPPED ON SOMETHING!!"

"Empress Sanaki," Sigrun said. "If my knowledge is accurate, the princess stepped on a Stonefish, on of the most poisonous fish on the continent. In fact, it kills hundreds a year."

"So…this wound the princess has obtained is fatal?"

"Yes."

"Sanaki!" Elincia screamed. "I can't feel my legs! I'm going to die!"

"Ah…" Sanaki gave a sigh of relief. "I love the sound of Elincia dying in the morning…"

**Back to Ike…**

"Green grass!" Ike shouted, pointing at the ground. Then he held a white feather. "And a…um…"

"You can do it, Ike. It begins with a W," Titania said.

"W…wh…white! A white feather!" Ike exclaimed.

"Ike! Over here!" Nasir called.

Ike, Titania and Soren all ran to Nasir. "What?"

"A heron…" he motioned to the white haired girl walking around.

The heron said some un…writable language.

"It's a girl!" Ike pointed out.

"It's another survivor, it's a miracle," Nasir stared in awe at the girl.

The heron, whose name was Leanne, turned to them and continued spouting out incomprehensible words. Then she started walking away.

Ike chased after her. "Waaaiit!"

The heron muttered more weird words and passed out. …odd…

"Oops…I broke her…" Ike poked the girl.

Suddenly, an earthquake rumbled the ground as Oliver waddled over. "Oh! Oh! I've found you at last! My beautiful treasure! …oh…wow…it's a female. Hm…I'll have to change my ways a bit, but I'm sure I will love having her! Men! Bring me the heron!"

Ike slung the girl over his back. "I think she needs rest…"

A bunch of soldiers ran out of the trees.

**Map Clear: 10 Turns Survive**

Ugh, another annoying battle. Titania and Oscar should EASILY take care of this. They being so uber and all. Same with Stefan.

Anyway, after that annoying battle…

"Aaa…aaarrrrrgggghhhh!" Oliver screamed. And what a weird and long scream it was. "I am overmatched! Retreat!"

Ike looked around. "No! Fat man escaped!"

"Shall we report back to the apostle?" Nasir asked.

"No! I want to kill the fat man!" Ike answered.

**To Reyson…**

"Avoiding those human scum cost me time…but I've almost made it to the altar." The heron paused for a few seconds. "…why am I talking to myself?"

Just then, Tibarn flew up. "Reyson! Are you well?"

"Yeah…I'm just about to use forbidden magic and eradicating these humans," he responded.

Ulki started sobbing…again. "Death! Death why won't you take me? My life is meaningless! MEANINGLESS!!!"

"SHUT UP, ULKI!!" All of them roared.

Tibarn then tapped Reyson on the head. Now, to Reyson, this is like someone hitting him. "Reyson! I won't allow it!"

"RETRUBUTION!!!" Reyson yelled.

"Shut up!" Tibarn tapped Reyson on the head. "You're going home!" The hawk king grabbed Reyson's wrist and dragged him off. Reyson began to cry like…well…Ulki…I guess…

**Once again, back to Ike…**

"Surrender, you fool!" Ike demanded.

"Never! You just envy my wealth and beauty! You just want to be me!" Oliver spat.

"Ew! I don't want to be fat!" Ike exclaimed.

"Silence! I am not one to be daunted by mean beggars such as you. Oh ho ho ho! In the name of the goddess, I, Oliver, duke of Tanas, will smite your hideous evil!" Oliver shot back.

Ike blinked. "Um…"

"To arms!" Oliver continued to scream.

**Map Clear: Defeat Boss**

Well, during Oscar's rush to the top of the map, Janaff, Reyson, Ulki, and Tibarn flew by.

Reyson heard the language of the forest, while Janaff caught sight of Leanne on Ike's back. And they quickly decided to join in.

This is a problem. Well, at least for me. I want that Nosferatu spell! Rhys is about to be a Bishop!

Anyway, with two shots of a bow and arrow from the supreme Oscar and that fat tub of lard was DEAD. Yaaay!

Afterward, Ike met up with Reyson. "Hello!" Ike said happily.

"Who's on your back?" Reyson asked.

"Oh, this girl? Hm…I have no idea!"

Reyson said something excitedly in weird speak.

Leanne responded.

Reyson said something else.

Ike sat there and blinked.

"How did you survive?" Reyson finally asked in English.

Tibarn began to freak out and began asking a bunch of questions.

"The forest protected her and kept her asleep," Reyson answered.

Tibarn gave Ike a sharp look. "You there, beorc."

Ike was trying to eat his headband again. Soren had to slap him. "Huh?"

"Why do you aid the herons?"

"Um…Sanaki told me to do this…"

Tibarn laughed. "Oh really? I _completely_ believe you. "

"Really? Neat!" Ike didn't know what sarcasm was. "The apostle wants to talk to you!"

And so Reyson did.

Sanaki fell to her knees and apologized. She continued to apologize for like, five minutes. Leanne tried to shut her up, but only Reyson could understand what she was saying. Leanne's brother grew furious and contradicted with her forgiveness. Leanne began to yell at Reyson in her freaky language until he finally caved in.

**Then, at the altar…**

The two siblings began to sing a beautiful song, but unfortunately. Mist and Ike had to interrupt their pretty song with a conversation about their mother's song. And remember when I said Mist ruined every serious cutscene? Well, watch…

The forest began to come alive. Mist pointed up to the sky and screamed. "Ike! Look up there! It's IAN!" **(1)**

Then, Ike said something that had NO relevance.

"The (I REALLY couldn't understand these word(s)) forest has…returned…"

Nasir walked off in private. "Ah, excellent. The gap between laguz and beorc has been bridged. I think this may be enough…"

Private? I think not. For Soren was mysteriously lurking in the shadows. He heard everything.

Uh-oh…Soren suspects something…

See a conflict here yet?

**Footnote:**

**(1) I'm sorry, I have to explain this whole Ian thing. Well, when I was trying to get my friend Akikami, a great writer of…weird…Kingdom Hearts and Beyblade stories, into Fire Emblem, I showed her this cutscene. Well, at first, she loved it. Then, after showing her the cutscene six times, she began to mess with it. When Mist shouted, "Ike! Look up there!" my friend screamed, "It's GOD!" Then, I showed it to my friend Neb, along with Akikami. When that line was spoken, my friend Akikami shouted, "It's GOD!" And then, Neb said, "No, no. Not God. It's IAN!" Yes, I was confused too, but then they explained and so shall I. They read a Kingdom Hearts fic (I don't know the name, please don't ask) where Kairi and Sora were stuck in an elevator. Kairi began to spaz out. There was a telephone in the elevator and it rang. Kairi picked it up and this is how it went:**

**Voice: Please remain calm.**

**Kairi: Ah! Is this God?**

**Voice: …no…this is Ian.**

**Kairi: God's name is Ian?**

**Don't ask me WHY they applied this to Fire Emblem. I…have weird friends. Oh well. Next chapter, Ike becomes a Lord!**


	20. Chapter 18

Zelda: Hey guys, I'm sorry I went on vacation for a week. It's back up now.

Chapter 18:

Crimea Marches

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Sanaki said with a sigh. "But…excellent work Ike. Begnion now offers its support to Crimea's restoration. You will now lead the Crimean Liberation Army, you must be given a better title than, "That Blue Haired Idiot." I will make you more noble."

"What?" Ike exclaimed. "I'm not going to be a noble!"

"Oh yes you are! You are now a lord. Congratulations," Sanaki magically changed Ike's clothes.

Ike blinked. "I am Lord Ike?"

Sanaki nodded.

"I am Lord Ike!" Ike screamed.

**Somewhere in Daein…**

King Ashnard and Dot Dot Dot Man, as Boyd likes to call him, where having a discussion.

"Hey Ashnard?" The Black Knight asked.

"Yeah?" the creepy king replied.

"When you rule the continent and stuff, can you make a law that allows me to marry my sword?"

Ashnard blinked. "Uh…well…"

"Please?" The Black Knight pestered. "I love her with all of my heart. And don't worry, we've all ready, _picked the pocket_, if you know what I mean."

Ashnard blinked again. "No, I really don't."

"Oh, you know…"

"No…I don't…"

"Come on," the BK nudged Ashnard. "You're a guy! All guys know what I'm talking about."

"Black Knight," Ashnard replied. "I _really_ don't know."

"Are you trying to tell me you're a woman? Or do you REALLY not know?"

"Can it be both?" Ashnard asked.

…Silence…

**Er…Back to Ike…**

"I am Lord Ike. I am Lord Ike. I am Lord Ike." Ike continued to shout while using his sword as a cane.

Soren with grinding his teeth in fury. "…I'm going to kill him…"

"Don't do it," Rhys replied.

"I'm going to kill him!" Soren screamed.

Rhys sighed. "Think of a way to counter this. I know!" Rhys struck a pose. "I am Priest almost Bishop Rhys!"

Boyd joined in. "Yeah! Yeah! I am handsome Fighter almost Warrior Boyd!"

"I am uber Paladin Oscar!" Oscar shouted.

"I am losing my touch Paladin Titania…" Titania sighed.

"I am eccentric Swordmaster Stefan!" Stefan said with a grin.

Soren nodded. "I am Sage Soren."

Boyd laughed. "Ha! Sage Soren! Flip the names and it's Soren Sage! Hey Soren, are you by any chance related to Genis Sage?"  
Soren blinked. "What?"

Boyd blinked as well. "What?"

"No, what did you just say?"

"Ike looks hot in stockings?"

"No af-" Soren stopped and gave Boyd a weird look. "…no…after that."

"Snow tastes like my bottom lip?"

"After that…"

"…um…dot dot dot?"

"Hey…beorc…catch…" A voice called.

Suddenly, Ulki, Janaff, and Reyson came flying out of the sky and slammed into the group. When the dust cleared, the two hawks and the heron were in a daze. But, Ike noticed Tibarn flying over them.

"Keep them," he said. "4 more minutes with them and I would have killed all three." Tibarn flew off.

"Yay!" Ike squealed. "Birdies, kitties, and horsies! Hooray for animals!"

**Map Clear: Rout**

So, Ike…

"Lord Ike!"

…**Lord Ike**, had to learn how to command the bird tribe laguz. A bunch of Ravens commanded by, all of the Reyson fangirls favourite, Naesala. Oh yeah…and Shinon's on this map. You have to talk to him with Rolf and kill him with Ike. But…Rolf wasn't leveled up for me, so, I killed him. …you weren't supposed to know that. So, uh, let's just PRETEND I got him. Oh yeah, and Zihark's a Swordmaster now! Yaaay!

**Back at the camp…**

Nasir turned around. "Who's there?"

Soren appeared.

"What are you doing here, Soren?"

"Don't play dumb, what are you planning?"

"I…I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"…you're a spy…"

"Oh, so you've figured that out yourself, huh?"

"Shut up. Wait until I tell Ike. I may have to tell him about twelve times, but still."

"Everyone has a secret, Soren. Even you."

"…don't play tricks on me."

"Oh, I trust that we understand each other."

"…the enemy knew we were coming."

"And you think I'm responsible?"

"Yes, I do."

"My, oh, my….you really ARE suspicious, aren't you? Good night, Soren." Nasir left.

**Once again, Soren is right. He is with basically everything. Sorry this chapter was so short. Other than Soren's suspicious and Ike becoming a Lord, this chapter really had no point. I think the next one will be longer.**

' 


	21. Chapter 19

Zelda: Okay…you guys are caught up now. This means that it will take a bit longer for me to update because I actually have to WRITE. And remember, the chapters get longer, and longer, and more depressing and serious, (like, chapter 28, was it?) So, expect a lot of improving from me. And the battles take FOREVER (Like the last chapter. UGH. THREE PAINFUL HOURS) so expect me to skip them, though, if something funny happens I'll tell you guys. And, I'm a little dusty, so, sorry if the chapters aren't that funny. Allow me to apologize antea.

**Chapter 19:**

**Entrusted (but we're skipping that one part)**

**Daein Border**

"Naesala! Get your feathery butt over here!" Petrine screamed.

Naesala grimaced and fluttered hesitantly over to Petrine. His ears are still ringing from the last time he spoke to her. "Ah…General Petrine. How nice it is-

"I HAVE NO TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES!! HAS CRIMEA'S ARMY BREACHED TOR GAREN?"

Naesala twitched. "Y-Yes…"

"HOW DARE THEY!!!! THAT GENERAL WAS A WORTHLESS DOG!!!!"

"Er…maybe it wasn't his faul-

"DON'T INSULT DAEIN YOU CROW!!"

"Uh…I was no-

"YOU GET ON THE BATTLEFIELD THEN!!!"

"If you pay me, su-

"I WILL PAY YOU! AND MAKE SURE YOU KILL THEM!!!" Petrine rode away.

Homasa, who is the only decent looking Daein general you'll ever see, stood next to Naesala. "I…think I've gone deaf…"

"What was that?" Naesala yelled.

"I said: I think I've gone deaf!"

"What?"

"I SAID: I THINK I'VE GONE DEAF!"

"Oh! Okay!!!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I SAID: OKAY!!!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SPEAK UP!"

**Okay…back to the Crimean Army…**

Anyway, at the camp, Shinon, the jerk of an archer was…obviously drunk. He ran around and hit on everyone, male or female. Ike, who had no idea what was the problem with Shinon, responded to his actions with joy, which only provoked Shinon to drink more. Then, it was the final straw when Shinon called Soren a girl. Suddenly, the ground shook, like an earthquake was occurring. Soren's eyes turned to flames, as did the aura around him.

"You're **_DEAD_**!" Soren bellowed. He summoned a huge meteor and set the path straight to Shinon.

Those with brains, scrambled into their tents. Those without brains, a.k.a. Ike and Elincia, were watching the Meteor fall to the earth like fireworks on a summer night. Oscar had to pull them both in.

The result? Shinon was squished by a flaming meteor. Soren pulled out Shinon's charred, deformed body and spat on it.

"You're the one who looks like a girl," Soren hissed, then stormed off to his tent. Everyone left him alone for the rest of the night.

Gatrie overheard this comment, and only heard the word girl. "Shinon's a girl? I knew it!" The perverted knight looked left, then right. Then, he dragged off the body to his tent.

Zihark, the unfortunate soul who shared a tent with Gatrie, walked back after late night training with Stefan. As he neared the tent, he heard…very disturbing sounds. His eye twitched and he scampered into the nearest tent, which belonged to the brothers. Oscar agreed to let him stay, and Zihark made a bed on the floor.

But, the Swordmaster was still disturbed.

Boyd, had a creepy obsession with Titania. He had a bunch of sculptures of her, pictures, and creepy diary entries that Zihark read while Boyd was asleep.

Oscar, was afraid of Kieran. In fact, he showed Zihark all of the bruises he has from the insane Axe Knight.

Rolf, was insanely violent. He seems like a cute little boy, but he's really a disturbed little child who loved to kill things.

Zihark had trouble going to sleep that night. Boyd's constant mumble about Titania, Oscar waking up and screaming every hour, and Rolf's attempts to kill our poor, beloved Swordmaster.

I now know why Zihark never smiles.

Anyway, on the following morning, a battle took place.  
But, I'm not even going to try to write this.

This, is so annoying! I hate having to get Naesala's attention and make him talk to Reyson. It's so hard! Well…onto the after battle cutscene.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, Boyd's a Warrior now! And Rhys is a Bishop! Yaaay!

"We won! Neat!" Ike squealed. "Yay for white bird man!"

"Ike…get over here…" Titania dragged Ike into a building.

"What is it Ti…tan…ia…" Even Ike, with his short attention span was amazed at this.

Gold. Lots of gold.

"The spoils of war," Soren said. "It's ours."

"Hm…" Ike grabbed fifty thousand and walked off without saying a word.

He then took it to Volke. But, you all aren't gonna wanna see that…

No, you want to see Boyd, don't you?

"Titania…" Boyd walked up to the Paladin.

"Hm? What is it?"

"I was w-wondering, could I like, buy you a gift?"

"…why?"

"Every time I look at you, I think you are the most beautiful person, ever!"

Titania blinked. "Uh…"

"I'm really nervous about this…but I must say it!" Boyd pulled out a golden axe and got on his knee. "Titania, will you marry me?"  
Titania sighed. "Boyd…"

"Yes? YES?"

"No, Boyd…"

"What? No? NOOOO! I'm going to spiral into a deep depression!"

"Boyd…do you know how old I am?"

"Um…uh…like…20?"

"No."

"Oh…um…this is awkward."

"I'm old enough to be your mother…"

"What? …well…that's okay! I like older women!"

"Okay, I tried to be nice but…Boyd! I'm in love with Greil!"

"…you love a dead guy?"

"Yes! Okay, yes! When this is over I'm going to go back to his grave and dig up his body so I can…"

Soren interrupted. "Hey, have any of you guys seen Ike?" He held up a cage with a spider in it. "I bought this off some crazy old person. It's obviously poisonous. I want to make Ike put it down his shirt…"

Titania blinked. "Last I saw him, he was in Volke's tent…"

Suddenly, Ike bolted out of Volke's tent in tears. "Oh dear Ashera! MY FATHER KILLED MY MOTHER!!! WAAAAH!!!"

"Wait, I thought Ike couldn't cry…" Soren said.

"Well, I guess not…" Boyd muttered.

Volke jumped out of the tent. "Hi guys, I'm an Assassin, yo!" He squealed cheerfully.

**Sorry about this chapter you guys. It was kinda messed up. **


	22. Chapter 20

Zelda: Ugh…guys, I SWEAR I had this written on Tuesday, but FanFiction wouldn't let me post it! And then I had to go to a Latin Competition so, I couldn't do anything. But now, it's up!

Chapter 20:

Defending a Poopy City

"Hey Ike," Soren said. "The enemy knows where we're going. I'm going to begin an investigation to see if there's anyone suspicious." Soren mumbled Nasir's name and coughed.

"Dot dot dot…" Ike said.

"Ike?"

"Dot dot dot…" Ike repeated.

"OI! Cheeselips! Wake up!"

"Huh? What were you saying? Something about Magical Leopleridons?"

Soren sighed. "NO. But, I'll repeat myself. Even if you were paying attention I'm sure I'd have to anyway."

Titania bounced in. "GOOD MORNING YOU TWO!!!" she screamed.

Soren rubbed his ears. "Dear Ashera, woman! Why are you screaming?"

"BECAUSE IKE LOOKS SO SLEEPY!!!" the Paladin replied.

"I was up thinking last night…" Ike stated.

"Oh, stop joking Ike," Soren snickered. "Everyone knows you have no brain to think with."

"But that was just what I was thinking about!" Ike exclaimed. "I was asking myself if the thing that I feel when I stick my finger up my nose is my brain, or, if it's the mashed potatoes I stuffed up my nose when I was 8."

Titania and Soren exchanged looks. "Riiight…"

"LIKE TOTALLY O-M-G!!!!" Mist screamed. "MY MEDALLION'S GONE!!!"

Soren rubbed his ears again. "I swear, when I'm about 25, I will lose all ability to hear…"

"What am I going to do?" Mist asked. "It was my only memento of Mother. Waaaah! I would never lose it!" Mist began to sob.

"DON'T CRY YOU FOOL!!! I'll find it…"

Soren coughed. "Nasir…" he uttered quickly and then covered it with another cough.

"Soren needs Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!" Titania yelled.

"You idiot!" Soren hissed. "That's if I have a headache!"

"Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!" Titania kept on repeating the same thing.

Boyd ran in. "TITANIA'S STUCK IN AN INFINITE LOOP!!! Quickly! Somebody fetch the mustard!"

**Somewhere random…**

Somewhere randomly in the mountains, Petrine and Shihararaniminranam…ram…were talking.

"Are you pooin' me?" Shina…managram asked.

"You are to begin immediately," replied Petrine.

"Wait! Then Daein will suffer!" Shihafon…aranamam exclaimed.

"It's for the good of the country. And besides, it's only one territory! Stop acting like an old woman."

Shihonpooparam gasped. "How did you know about that? Er…I mean…uh…I don't care WHAT Haar says! I am not secretly an 86 year old woman!"

Petrine blinked. "Uh…you have a daughter…Jill, or whatever. And I'm pretty sure you fathered that child. …I hope. Because if you mothered her…then I would have to kill you…I think..." Silence. "Anyway…you just need to stop Crimea's forward progress. That's all. Now…go…and don't be useless, foreigner…man…woman…whatever…" Petrine left.

One little soldier came up. "S-Sir…I don't think we should."

"…open the floodgates."

**At the Base…**

Ike was walking around in the snow when…

"Well, hoooooowdyyyy!" A blonde draped in flamboyant colours popped up. "Hey there, feller! Could you do me a little favy-poo? I'd like to talk at y'all's commander, dern too'in'!"

"Who are you, funky lady?" Ike asked.

"Well, butter me up and call me toast! You ain't never heard of little ol' me? I'm Calill and I'm a first class mage!"

"Uh…what do you want?"

"Well, shoot! I just want to help this here army! I hope you don't mind, cutie! I'm purdy, I'm reeeeaaal smart, and I gots a knife so I can go rabbit huntin'! I used to do it a whole heck of a lot with Pa back on the farm."

"Uh…how much do you want?"

"Base your fees on my fighting. But I warn you. I can fight reeeal good!"

"Okay!"

"Now just wait a cotton pickin' minute!" She exclaimed. "You ain't the general!"

"What's a general again? Oh yeah! I think am the general!"

"Well pour gravy on me and call me Thanksgiving dinner! That sure is dandy!"

"So, we'll set a tent for you…"

"Boy, do y'all have any family?" Calill inquired.

"I have a sister…" Ike replied.

"Daaaang, I sure hope your sister don't got dibs on you!"

**In the Snow somewhere…**

"Like, totally O-M-G!" Elincia squeaked. "Ike, did you find the medallion of shinyness?"

"Nope!" Ike replied in a chipper way.

"Wait, is the medallion special? Is it from another woman? DON'T CHEAT ON ME!!!"

"…it's special. And it is from another woman…"

Elincia grabbed Ike's sword. "I can't live anymore knowing that my man is with another woman!" The princess stabbed herself.

…but then she came back…

"It's from my momsy."

"Oh!" Elincia exclaimed. "I believe my question touched a sensitive area." …silence. "Can I touch it again?"

"…wait what?"

Ulki ran over to Ike and pushed Elincia out of the way. He pushed her so hard, that she rolled down the hill into a creek where she died of hypothermia.

But there were no tears.

…anyway.

"I hear the sound of rushing water ahead. A lot of it. It's like the tears that I shed every night from the deep, agonizing pain I experience. COLDNESS OF DEATH!!! PLEASE TAKE MEEE!"

Soren sighed. "Yeah…there's a large river ahead…"

A nameless soldier popped up. "General Ike! The road ahead is blocked by water! We believe that a local river has flooded."

Ike blinked. "Pink Floyd?"

Soren slapped Ike. "NO. FLOOD." Soren cleared his throat. "This is the work of Daein. They're impeding our progress."

"CLOSE THE GATES!!" Titania yelled.

Soren twitched. "The volume of her statement was unnecessary, but she's right. We'll get people to go look."

"I'll do it!" Janaff exclaimed, bouncing up and down. "My eyes see all!"

"Ooo!" Ike said. "Can you see my grandma's house? It's made of gingerbread!"

Janaff blinked. "Sure…if…it'll get you to shut up…"

**Map Clear:**

**Arrive 15 Turns**

**Random Battle you all probably don't care about…**

After that action packed battle (SARCASM. I got there in 6 turns…)

"The floodgates are closed, general!"

Ike blinked. "Who is this general guy everyone keeps talking about?"

Soren growled. "That's YOU."

"Oh okay," Ike replied. "So…is everything peachy-keen?"

"Everyone's dead," Soren answered.

"Well, isn't that just the bee's knees? It's swell! I want to do the jitterbug!"

Soren sighed. "Ike, stop talking…"

"Because we are good people, we must aid our enemy!" Elincia announced.

Soren shook his head. "NO."

Ike struck a pose. "Let's help!"

Titania did too. "We will be kind! We will rewind!"

As did Elincia. "Captain Planet! He's a hero!"

Soren whacked himself with his book. "…Idiocy…"

Oh yeah, just some random depressing scene here. Everyone's upset that Shiharam (whoa, I said it this time!) is dead. Jill, who turns out to be his daughter, is crying, and Haar and some random dude are all sad and stuff. But, here's an important scene!

**Daein Keep**

Petrine and Ena were talking.

"We bought some time by flooding the gates and killing everyone," Petrine said.

Ena sighed. "Well…you got to go meet with that Bryan guy about leading the forces."

"Yeah, you're doing that."

"What?" Ena exclaimed.

The Black Knight walked in. "Sorry I'm late. Me and my sword were…you know…"

"We haven't seen you in a while…" Petrine remarked.

"That's because me and my sword have been…you know…"

"You're so busy…what do you do?"

"Well…you know…with my sword. Oh yeah, Ena, you have a visitor."

Ena left. So it was just Petrine and the Perverted Black Knight.

"Is that the Worm?"

"He insists that he gives the _item_ to Ena directly. But, I need to finish this. Me and my sword need to…you know…"

"As long as _it_ is ours, it makes no difference."

"You have to take _it _to the king, because I have to…you know…"

"Whatever! I'll take it! More importantly, what are you going to do?"

The Black Knight stomped his foot. "Are you people dumb or something? I'm going to take my sword into my bedroom where I shall repeatedly have…"

**Some room…**

"Where's Lehran's Medallion?" Ena asked an unseen voice.

It was handed to her.

"Will you return to the King's side?" asked Unknown.

"I have to lead the army," Ena replied.

"Oh…! Pooper scoopers!" Unknown yelled.

"Thanks for everything…no more orders for you…"

"Are you going to die?"

"I have to return to _him_."

"He thinks nothing of you…"

"I only belong at his side. …I will never see you again…bye…Nasir…"

**So…Unknown equals Nasir. Sorry, it was a little serious, but that was a pretty important scene. This may be a parody but those of you who are actually following the butchered storyline, that's for you.**


	23. Chapter 21

**Yeah…so…it's been a while since I wrote a chapter. And just so you guys know, I HAVE played Radiant Dawn and I know…well…a lot. However, I'm not including ANY of the stuff revealed in that game. Not even Soren's lineage. Oh yeah, one more thing. I have a research paper/satire due in a week so I need to work on that for a while. But my stories shall resume in March! So, with that being said, let's get this nonsense going.**

Chapter 21:

Without a King

Ugh…another one of these ominous descriptions about what happened last chapter, if you weren't paying attention. I certainly hope you were because I am NOT recapping.

**Anyway, in Daein Keep…**

Some really ugly old guy named Kasatai was freaking out.

"O-M-G, faceless and nameless soldier!" he screamed. "Where's the king?! WHERE IS HE!?"

"Um…I don't know…" responded the meek soldier.

Kasatai stomped his foot. "THE CRIMEAN ARMY IS AT OUR DOORSTEP! Trying to sell us those stupid cookies! I have to watch my girly figure, yet they STILL try to push those Chocolate Mint Wafers on me! …although I do like the Caramel Crunchies…"

The soldier backed away a bit. "Sir…what are you talking about?"

"NOTHING!" he bellowed. "ANYWAY. We need to protect the capital! WE NEED ONE OF THE FOUR RIDERS!"

"Dear Ashera you crazy, senile old man!" shouted Ena. "Will you SHUT UP? My sanity is ripping in half."

"What's sanity!? IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!"

Ena sighed. "Look, Daein soldiers are elite. They'll be fine."

Kasatai slicked back his nonexistent hair. "I'm fine, am I, Lady Ena?"

"Please Ashera…strike me down and put me out of my misery…" she mumbled.

"Well, flattery will get you nowhere," Kasatai warned. "You're inexperienced!"

"Yes, you're right."

Kasatai was taken aback, this was the first time in his life he was ever right. "I'm right!? HA! Take that, mother!"

"Look, if we are unable to hold the capital, I don't think the king will mad. He doesn't care about this country."

He blinked. "…wha? YOU'RE WRONG, WOMAN!"

"Do not avert your eyes from reality, General," Ena remarked.

"Reality!? What is reality!? IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!"

"Well, why do you think Ashnard invaded Crimea?" she asked.

"For cookies?" Kasatai answered.

"No, to make the entire continent burst into war."

"That's madness!" he shouted!

"Let's return to Sparta…er…I mean the topic on hand," Ena continued. "We MUST stop the Crimeans here."

"Lunacy! LUNACY!"

**Back to Ike's camp.**

"Hm…it's the Daein capital," Ike JUST figured that out after having stayed there for 3 days. "We need to kill Ashnard, so this war will stop."

"Hello, Ike," Nasir greeted.

"Who are you again?" Ike asked.

"NASIR. I'm NASIR."

"Riiiiight. So what do you need?"

"Are you sure we have enough soldiers to siege the capital?" Nasir inquired.

"Well, the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges divided by four pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges," Ike answered.

"What?!" Nasir exclaimed.

"Ike's a FOOL!" Titania screamed. "Daein is planning something!"

"Most likely," Soren agreed. "I hope Ike gets killed in this battle."

"I am not a crook!" Ike shouted. "Um…I mean we are not invaders! We won't hurt anyone."

"Speak for yourself…" Soren said. "They probably think we're going to hurt them like how Daein devastated Crimea. Especially if they see YOU Ike, they'll probably take out the compound bow. And tell you to take those tissue boxes off your feet."

"Aww!" Ike pouted. "I didn't think anyone would notice my tissue box shoes."

"Hey, what happened to the Crimean people?" Elincia asked.

Oh man…Soren is ENRAGED by this.

"…You truly have no idea how to rule a nation. Do you know what happens to a country that loses a war? Everything is destroyed. Homes, land, crops…everything. And the citizens…They're not even treated as human. Crimeans, especially those near the capital where Daein's presence is strongest, are treated worse than laguz. The people understand this, which is why they pay for protection in the form of taxes. For the royals and nobles who are charged with protecting the people, there is no greater sin than to be defeated in war. It is the ultimate betrayal of the people's trust."

…I love you Soren. Mostly because you made Elincia cry.

"Elincia, you're an idiot and you need to restore peace to the country," Titania remarked. "Now…go eat your own leg or something."

"Okay!" Elincia squeaked, and commenced in doing so.

"Let's end the war, Spartans!" Ike exclaimed.

"Ike, you moron, we're NOT Spartans!" Soren yelled.

After equipping nonsense, Ike and the rest arrived at the gate. Which was open.

"Oh fudgemonkeys…" Ike cursed.

"IT'S A TRAP!" Elincia screeched.

"Yeah…I'm going to have to agree with that," said Soren.

"NO BACKING DOWN!" shouted Titania.

Soren's eye twitched. "What is with everyone and screaming?!"

Over on the enemy's side…

"THEY'RE HERE?!" exclaimed Kasatai. "IT'S A GOVERNMENT-

"STOP SAYING THAT!" interjected Ena. "Well, their idiot General Ike fell for the trap. What a fool." Ena turned into a dragon randomly. "Well, I'm the secret weapon."

"GAAAAH!!! A DRAGON!" screamed Kasatai. "IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! Oh well. I can live with that. LET'S KILL 'EM!"

Back on Ike's side.

"They've closed the gates!" yelled a nameless soldier. "Run! Ruuuun!"

"This is their trap," Soren informed. "They want us all to die together. Oh well, let's go for it."

Map Clear:

Seize

Nothing really happened on this map except…

A creepy General named Tauroneo was staring at Ike. Ike was afraid. "Um…why are you staring at me like that?"

"I AM TAURONEO!" he shouted. "I HAVE BUT ONE QUESTION TO ASK! WILL YOU MARRY ME!?"

Ike blinked. "Um…I…I don't know what that means, mister, but I'm going to have to say no."

"Oh, okay," he responded. "Well, who taught you to fight?"

"My loud and obnoxious daddy!" Ike said proudly.

"Are you Gawain's son?" inquired the creepy General.

"Um…gesundheit?" " Ike answered.

The man sighed. "I'm a friend of your father. How is he?"

"He's dead!" Ike responded cheerfully.

"Oh, okay. Well. I'm going to have to join you then," he decided.

"But I-

"I'M GOING TO JOIN YOU!"

Well, it was better than fighting him anyway.

So, after the fight, Ike met up with Ena, who was bested by the amazingness of Soren's Thunder spells.

"Yeah…so I lost…" Ena remarked.

"Surrender your booty!" Ike ordered.

"Yes…she should indeed…" snickered Gatrie.

"Not that kind of booty you idiot," Soren hissed.

"But I cannot," Ena responded. "I…I must go to the light! …oh wait, I mean him." Ena started running away, but Nasir confronted her.

"Grab her, Nasir!" Ike commanded.

"Hehe…I want to grab her," Gatrie snickered again.

Soren smacked him on the head with his spell book.

Nasir refused to grab Ena and punched Ike. Awesome.

"WHAT IN GREAT GRANDMA'S GRAVY ARE YOU DOING, NASIR!?" Titania screamed.

"Traaaaitooor!" Ike yelled. "A traitor amongst the Spartans!"

Soren face-palmed. "Why is he calling us Spartans?"

"You've been giving info and cookies to the enemy, haven't you!?" Ike shouted, but got no response. "Ergh…get him out of here! He's making me ill!"

"Go to Palmeni Temple," Nasir randomly said.

"Dot dot dot?" Ike responded.

At Crimea Castle…

"So the capital's fallen eh?!" Ashnard bellowed. "I KNEW IT! 15 bonus points for the kingy over here."

Petrine trembled in his presence.

"I overestimated Ena a little bit," Ashnard commented. "She is still but a piece of chewed gum with a tooth stuck in it on my boot! Even if she is a dragon! Anyway, where's that sword loving Black Knight?!"

"He was in the capital," Petrine replied. "And he gave me the Secret Santa gift he was supposed to give you at last year's holiday party."

"…I remember that party," Ashnard said. "Man…what a party it was. Remember when we all caught the Black Knight and his sword in the bedchambers? I'll never look at his sword the same way ever again. Anyway, LEMME SEE MY GIFT!"

Petrine unwrapped the medallion and showed it to him. "H-Here it is."

Ashnard laughed. "It's beautifuuuul. And it has a dark god in it that holds immense power. It caused a flood that drowned the entire world! Save Tellius, that is. And that blue light? It's called the title of this game."

"You mean Fire Emblem?" Petrine asked.

"Yeah. You know, in a story, you always have to put the title of it SOMEWHERE within it."

"Yes sir," Petrine agreed. "The Black Knight is trying to capture Princess Serenes."

The king nodded. "Cool, cool. So, uh, you need to pick up the pace Petrine so as to prove your worth to me. Oh yeah, if you see Ena, kill her for me, okay?"

"Yes, sir…" Petrine obeyed and left.

**I hope this chapter was on par with your all's standards!**


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